For Better Or Worse.

Steve Gentry

[0:03] Amen. [0:05] All right, go ahead and have a seat. [0:06] Welcome to Village Church. [0:07] If this is your first time here, my name’s Steve, [0:09] one of the pastors here at Village Church. [0:11] If you have your Bibles,

[0:12] go ahead and open them to Ephesians 5. [0:14] We’re gonna be starting in verse 20 this morning, [0:18] continuing our mini series, [0:20] which after a 62 week series, [0:22] a two week series really is a mini series, [0:25] but that’s what we’re gonna be doing today,

[0:27] continuing our little series on marriage. [0:29] This morning, but before we do that, [0:33] it’s been quite a week, not necessarily here, [0:36] but everywhere as the world is getting smaller. [0:39] And so our views typically when that happens. [0:43] But when I was a young boy, I went to Sunday school.

[0:47] I grew up in the church, spent a lot of time there. [0:50] So I was one of the mainstays [0:51] in whatever Sunday school class it happened to be. [0:54] And I had this great ability to, [0:56] whatever the question was that you were to pose [1:00] as a teacher in Sunday school, my answer was Jesus.

[1:04] And not only was I that annoying kid [1:06] that used Jesus as his answer every time, [1:08] but I also was really good at arguing, [1:12] even at a young age. [1:13] And I would basically convince the class [1:16] that if the teacher didn’t say I was right,

[1:18] they clearly didn’t believe the gospel. [1:22] So I just had this way about me [1:25] of convincing everyone, well, Jesus is always the answer. [1:29] Is it not? [1:30] And as I’ve gotten older, those years are long gone, [1:33] and I’ve gotten married, got kids, I’m now a pastor.

[1:38] What I have found is not that it is more complicated [1:42] than that, even though the issue may be quite complex. [1:45] The answer is literally Jesus. [1:50] And so when we are dealing in a tumultuous time, [1:54] which we really are, in many different camps, [1:58] many different tribes, we like to kind of

[2:00] segregate ourselves by choice into, [2:03] which is never really the answer. [2:05] There are people who are truly looking for answers [2:09] as to why things go the way that they go, [2:13] why the world is such a hard place [2:16] where evil does abound.

[2:20] And in those moments, I don’t think [2:23] that we necessarily need to be the people [2:27] who are seeking to be heard on a grander scale [2:30] outside of our neighborhoods and outside of our communities, [2:34] but rather, I think this is a time in which [2:37] it is ripe for engagement in families,

[2:41] engagement in your neighborhood, [2:43] engagement in your communities, [2:45] where real conversations that can be very fruitful [2:47] can be had specifically by us, [2:50] because we know the truth of where the world is headed. [2:55] I mean, one of my favorite sections of scripture

[2:57] is Revelation 19 through 22, [2:59] in which Jesus returns for judgment. [3:02] Then he literally lowers his kingdom onto this world. [3:06] All that is wrong is made right. [3:09] And then it says beautifully that he, Jesus, [3:11] will wipe away every tear, and tears will be no more.

[3:16] And then his kingdom will reign forever. [3:21] And so wherever your perspective is, [3:25] especially for those of you that maybe in this time [3:28] you feel marginalized, you feel as though [3:31] there’s so many injustices in this world, [3:33] and injustice does abound in our sinful world,

[3:37] my answer to you really, and I don’t believe I have [3:40] the ultimate answer other than Jesus. [3:44] That’s what I offer. [3:46] That’s what we have to offer a world, [3:49] is that the hope that we have in Jesus is real. [3:52] It’s not hypothetical, but rather it’s factual, it’s truth.

[3:57] That we can find hope, we can find love, [4:00] we can find reconciliation, yes, racial reconciliation. [4:06] That we can find faith, that there is a better day coming. [4:12] And I may not experience it in my life, this world, [4:17] but I know I will experience it in life in the next world. [4:21] And so friends, as you engage people,

[4:22] remember that your words do matter. [4:26] That this is a season in which it’s desperately needed [4:30] for you to love your neighbor. [4:31] It’s desperately needed for you to be kind. [4:34] It’s desperately needed for you to be winsome and wise [4:36] in the words that you use, and it’s desperately needed

[4:40] for you to be forgiving.

[4:44] Friends, we have an ethic, but more than that, [4:46] we have good news, and that is that the injustices [4:51] of this world will not last forever, [4:53] but rather when Jesus returns, [4:57] he will make all things right, and he will show us, [5:00] and this is one of the craziest promises in scripture,

[5:03] but I believe it to be true, because Jesus rose from the dead. [5:06] That he tells us that all things will work together, [5:10] for good, so everything that happens in your life, [5:12] if you trust in Jesus, will work together for good, [5:14] and you will see it someday, that’s a promise. [5:18] But right now, what I want to do is,

[5:20] I have no more pithy comment to make, [5:23] other than before you do anything, before you say anything, [5:27] pray, that is where real power for change is, [5:32] and so I want to spend just a moment in prayer. [5:35] Our Father, you are a good God, you are a good Father, [5:43] you can be trusted, and I believe that because Jesus came,

[5:49] Jesus lived, he died, and then he rose again from the dead, [5:53] winning victory over sin and death, [5:55] that you have promised that through faith [5:57] will be applied to all who believe. [6:01] So I pray that faith would show itself victorious, [6:06] that love and hope would reign supreme,

[6:10] till the day when only love exists, [6:13] because we are in your presence, [6:15] where pure justice, pure love will exist forever. [6:20] Lord, I pray for those surrounding us in our community, [6:24] that feel marginalized, that feel oppressed, [6:26] and in many instances, are marginalized and are oppressed,

[6:30] even in the African American community, Lord, [6:32] I pray that they would be aided, [6:36] that justice would be had, that wisdom would reign supreme, [6:40] and that you would just bring faith into every life. [6:46] Lord, I pray also for those that put themselves [6:48] specifically in harm’s way, for the police,

[6:51] I pray first for wisdom, or I pray that fear would not reign, [6:56] which would cascade the issues, [6:57] but that instead, wisdom would reign, [6:59] and that you would protect them, [7:02] or that those that would seek to intentionally do harm [7:06] would be thwarted, and they would not be able to attack,

[7:11] but that instead, Lord, through the Holy Spirit, [7:13] I pray you would bring them to faith, [7:16] so they could know true forgiveness, [7:17] so they could know true repentance. [7:21] In all things, may your people worship you, [7:25] and bring you glory in all of our actions,

[7:29] in all of our conversations, [7:32] and in all of our thoughts and prayers.

[7:35] Give us the gift of endurance. [7:38] In the name of Jesus, I pray, amen.

[7:42] You know, when we’re dealing with the issue of marriage, [7:46] we make this promise on our wedding day, [7:49] and when we make this promise, or vow, [7:52] as it’s called on the wedding day, [7:53] we often don’t think of the outcome [7:56] that’s actually going to come from that vow,

[7:58] because on your wedding day, you’re typically overcome [8:00] by this LSD-like hormonal imbalance [8:03] that’s going on inside of you, and you just think, [8:07] oh, better is all I’m gonna have, [8:09] so I’ll commit to the worst, [8:10] but baby, this feeling’s gonna last forever.

[8:13] It doesn’t. [8:15] That fades, life sets in, [8:18] and then you begin, at some point, to experience worse, [8:23] and you commit to this reality of for better or worse, [8:27] but really, it doesn’t get any worse than worse, [8:30] because worse is this really statement,

[8:33] if you look at it, it’s a cascading theme [8:35] that no matter what happens, [8:38] worse is this theme that just goes on and on and on, [8:41] and so you’re committing to, [8:43] even if tomorrow is worse than today, [8:46] tomorrow will be endured, and you will remain faithful,

[8:51] and even if the next day is worse than that day, [8:53] well, for better or worse, [8:55] for better or worse, or worse, or worse, or worse, [9:00] because worse is as worse as worse can be, [9:02] and the reality is that on the day [9:06] that you make that promise,

[9:09] you make it not knowing what worse will be, [9:14] and understand that your worse is different [9:17] than someone else’s worse, [9:18] because it’s a subjective thing, [9:20] and so I’ve dealt with people [9:22] who have experienced a form of worse

[9:24] than I’ve never experienced, [9:25] and I’ve experienced forms of worse [9:27] than they’ve never experienced, [9:28] so this isn’t a question of whose worse is worse [9:31] than your worse.

[9:34] This is a reality that on your wedding day, [9:37] when you make the vow for better or for worse, [9:41] it is a real promise that is meant to endure a lifetime, [9:47] and today I want to speak specifically to those [9:50] who first are married, [9:52] so how do you live in that reality?

[9:56] How do you be faithful in that constant possibility? [10:01] But then secondly, I wanna speak to those of you [10:03] who are not married yet, [10:05] those of you who haven’t made that vow yet, [10:08] and to those of you that are saying, [10:10] well, if I do make that vow,

[10:11] what is that going to look like? [10:13] And so first, if you’re the single person here, [10:15] and you’re like, well, I could never be faithful [10:17] to such a vow, please don’t get married, ever.

[10:23] Until you understand, yes, I want to commit to that, [10:28] but to those of you that are married, [10:29] you’ve made that vow, [10:32] so my hope today is that you will receive [10:34] in some sense a vision of what it looks like [10:37] to live faithfully to those vows.

[10:39] So look in Ephesians chapter five, [10:41] we’re gonna be starting in verse 20 this morning. [10:43] The apostle Paul writes, he says, [10:45] giving thanks always and for everything [10:47] to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ. [10:50] So remember, the answer’s always Jesus,

[10:52] so that’s where he starts. [10:54] He says, submitting to one another [10:55] out of reverence for Christ, wives. [11:01] Now understand that I didn’t write this, okay, [11:04] so I’m reading, okay, the apostle Paul wrote [11:08] the words that come next,

[11:11] under the inspiration of the Holy Spirit of God, [11:15] in the Bible, which we believe is inerrant, [11:20] authoritative, sufficient, okay, wives.

[11:29] Submit to your own husbands as to the Lord, [11:33] for the husband is the head of the wife, [11:35] even as Christ is the head of the church, [11:37] his body, and is himself its savior. [11:40] Now as the church submits to Christ, [11:42] so also wives should submit in everything

[11:45] to their husbands. [11:47] Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church, [11:51] gave himself up for her. [11:55] You know, he gives us some great reminders in there [11:57] of what we talked about last week [11:59] with the reality that marriage ultimately is about God.

[12:04] And we took a look at this and delved into [12:06] the fact that the ethic of till death do us part [12:09] is known fully in God and specifically in his gospel. [12:15] That we have to understand that to form a practical way [12:18] of living out this type of vow, [12:21] there’s no greater example, there’s no greater source,

[12:24] there’s no greater hope than delving into [12:27] what the gospel of Jesus Christ means. [12:30] And that is that first, every one of us [12:33] have sinned against God, and we deserve the penalty [12:38] of his wrath. [12:40] But in love though, God poured his wrath

[12:42] on his very son, Jesus. [12:45] And if we put our trust in that, [12:47] our relationship with God can be restored [12:51] to one of favor rather than wrath. [12:54] And when we trust this, we are not just trusting [12:59] that Jesus will relieve us of that wrath,

[13:02] heaven forever, we coast for the next 50 years [13:06] through a life before we get there, [13:08] hoping to just avoid the unpleasant things. [13:11] Now it’s not just submitting to that, [13:13] because when you admit that you have sinned against God [13:16] and you need his forgiveness,

[13:18] you are also submitting your life to the reality [13:20] that you were designed by that God to live a specific way [13:26] and you have blown it. [13:29] And so when we submit to the truth of the gospel, [13:32] we are submitting to the fact that God has authority [13:36] over my life and I need to be restored to that authority.

[13:41] So I am submitting to his design. [13:43] I am submitting to his commands. [13:46] I am submitting to the type of life [13:48] where he is seeking to restore me to his original vision [13:53] of how I am to act, how I am to live. [13:56] And marriage is a huge part of life.

[14:02] I don’t think many of you, specifically those of you [14:04] that are married would look at me and say, [14:06] oh, marriage is just a very small part of my life. [14:08] It’s a very small portion. [14:09] No, it’s a huge part of your life. [14:12] It’s hopefully one of the most important parts of your life.

[14:17] And if that’s true and God has something to say [14:20] about how marriage is to look, [14:22] how you are to act inside of marriage, [14:26] then you need to realize that believing the gospel [14:29] is submitting to the fact that God’s vision is right [14:33] and you need it for restoration.

[14:36] It’s an integral part of that restoration. [14:39] Now in marriage, we are seeking to follow Jesus.

[14:46] And so if you are a sinner, okay, which you are, [14:51] you can expect specifically in marriage [14:54] to need correction from God [14:58] because you naturally, being a sinner, [15:03] are not going to get it right all of the time. [15:06] So please be humble in the way in which you react

[15:10] to God’s correction of your direction. [15:14] Now the reality is that for better or worse [15:16] is a commitment that you probably thought would be easier [15:20] than it actually is. [15:22] Because when those harder days come, [15:24] when those rougher times come,

[15:27] we struggle with this first reality [15:30] that marriage is about submission. [15:34] So understand, number one, marriage, it’s about submission. [15:37] First, submission to Jesus. [15:40] You see, once you place your faith in Jesus, [15:42] everything in life flows out of that trust in Jesus.

[15:47] He is God and you live seeking constant submission to him. [15:52] And this is where your vision of marriage is to be built [15:55] and this is where the vision that God has for us in marriage [15:59] begins in Ephesians 5.20. [16:02] I mean, following Jesus is literally the belief [16:04] that he knows how life is to be lived

[16:06] and has authority over your life. [16:09] Therefore, his vision is to be trusted and obeyed [16:12] more than your vision is to be trusted and obeyed. [16:15] I don’t believe for one second that every one of you, [16:19] when you stood before, whoever you stood before that day [16:23] and committed to marriage,

[16:24] I don’t think you had any idea [16:26] how that was actually going to play out. [16:30] Some of you are severely disappointed. [16:33] Some of you are liars and you’re like, nope, [16:36] everything is great. [16:38] But all of you are going to have a significantly tough time

[16:44] at some point in your marriage. [16:46] Now, if you’ve been married for less than a year, [16:48] you’re probably looking at me and you’re like, not us, not us. [16:53] If you don’t feel that way, [16:54] the other person’s already feeling that way [16:55] and if neither of you feel that way,

[16:57] well, you’re headed there. [16:58] So I’m just going to put a seatbelt on you [17:00] and say good luck, all right? [17:02] Because at some point you’re going to feel like [17:03] you’re driving directly towards a brick wall [17:05] and you don’t have any brakes.

[17:07] I’m not here to give you brakes [17:10] because you’re going to hit the brick wall. [17:11] What I am here to give you this morning are airbags, all right? [17:15] So that it doesn’t kill you, [17:16] so that you can walk away and then take the car [17:19] to the body shop of the scriptures

[17:20] and the power of the Holy Spirit [17:21] and let’s rebuild what we’re going to break. [17:25] That’s what we’re really here for this morning. [17:27] We are here to submit our marriages to Jesus, [17:30] who is the reconciler, who is the restorer, [17:33] so that you’re not silly enough to look into your marriage

[17:36] for ultimate hope, but rather will realize [17:38] that ultimate hope lies outside of your marriage [17:40] in the person and work of Jesus Christ. [17:43] So first you have to submit to Christ. [17:45] If you have not or if you are unwilling, [17:49] understand that you cannot hope

[17:51] to have marriage under God’s design. [17:54] The best you’re going to get is marriage under your design [17:57] or marriage under somebody else’s design, [17:59] but it will not be the marriage that God intends it to be. [18:03] The second type of submission that you need [18:04] is submission to each other.

[18:06] You need submission to each other. [18:07] And Jesus speaks to this submission first [18:11] in Ephesians 5 starting in verse 20. [18:13] And in 21, he says, mutually submit. [18:17] But then what happens and what a lot of arguments [18:20] come out of inside of the camp of Christianity

[18:22] is how this is to work out. [18:24] And what the rest of chapter five and chapter six [18:27] are about is how this works out, [18:29] because he starts with marriage, [18:30] then he moves to children, [18:32] then he moves to slave and masters.

[18:34] So the reality that he’s talking about [18:36] in the submission of wife to husband specifically [18:39] in this section is a submission [18:42] to a distinct type of authority that God has designed. [18:46] And Jesus did speak to this in Matthew 19. [18:49] And so from last week, he says this starting in verse five.

[18:52] He says, therefore, a man shall leave his father [18:54] and his mother and hold fast to his wife [18:57] and the two shall become one flesh. [18:59] So they’re no longer two, but one flesh. [19:02] What therefore God has joined together, [19:04] let not man separate.

[19:07] And so what happens there? [19:08] The man, the husband leaves, holds fast to his wife. [19:16] So Jesus does speak to a specific order [19:19] in which marriage works. [19:21] God has designed marriage in such a way [19:24] that just as Jesus pursues his bride, the church,

[19:30] with faithfulness, so does the husband. [19:34] And so Paul begins by speaking to the wife [19:36] about submission to the husband as to the Lord. [19:40] So there’s a question that’s often come about. [19:42] How specifically, why does he begin with the wife? [19:46] Hopefully one day in heaven, I’ll be able to ask Paul

[19:49] why specifically he started with the wife. [19:51] I may be too overcome by how awesome Jesus is [19:53] to remember that question. [19:55] But maybe I’ll be able to ask Paul one day. [19:57] But a lot of people agree. [19:58] And I assume that this is correct,

[20:00] that he begins with the wife specifically [20:02] because if she’s not submitting, there’s no one to lead. [20:06] And there’s no hope for the husband [20:08] without the wife’s submission. [20:09] So he begins by going in that direction. [20:12] For it to work though, it must have both husband and wife

[20:18] working together out of reverence for Christ. [20:23] And so what we often do is we single one out [20:26] or the other first and we say, [20:28] oh, the problem’s in you because you’re not submitting enough. [20:30] Oh, the problem’s in you because you’re not leading enough. [20:32] And we’re gonna get to that.

[20:33] But the reality is that the vision here is for both of you. [20:37] Remember, two shall become one flesh. [20:41] So both of you submitting to the role that God has given you. [20:47] Why? Because you’re thankful for the gospel of Jesus. [20:51] And in reverence to that God Jesus, [20:54] you submit to the role or office that God has called you to.

[20:59] But I wanna start with the husband. [21:02] The reality is, is that Ephesians 5.25 starts to unpack [21:07] what it means to be the leader of the home. [21:11] You can’t read this text without walking away from the fact [21:15] that we’re not talking about some type of lording leadership [21:19] over which you’re just like, submit to me and do this for me.

[21:23] And this is obvious chauvinism. [21:25] But that’s not what the apostle Paul’s talking about at all. [21:28] Note what he says about the husband. [21:29] I mean, he says that it is a Christ-like leadership [21:33] in which servanthood is fashioned to show responsibility [21:37] and what headship is all about.

[21:41] Pastor Doug Wilson writes that the responsibility [21:43] placed on the shoulder of a husband [21:45] who is following Christ is great. [21:48] And I don’t mean it’s fantastic. [21:50] What I mean is that it’s extremely heavy. [21:53] It’s hard.

[21:54] It’s sacrificial. [21:56] It places a huge burden on you. [21:58] Because it means that everything rises and falls [22:02] on the leadership of the husband and father. [22:06] When things go wrong, there’s no abdication [22:08] to place the blame on others.

[22:11] Instead, there is a look in the mirror moment [22:14] to see how your leadership benefits or fails your family. [22:20] Your leadership should inspire joy and submission to Christ [22:23] in your home as you fashion faithful service to your family. [22:28] For their good, even at your detriment. [22:33] And this is frankly because you believe in faith

[22:36] that God’s calling of enduring faithfulness [22:38] will ultimately be to your great benefit to the glory of God. [22:43] I mean, it’s specifically the type of endurance [22:46] that Jesus is spoken of. [22:48] Jesus in the book of Hebrews where it says [22:49] because of the joy that is set before him, he endured shame.

[22:54] And so there is a hard things in life [22:56] that you are called to endure specifically [22:59] because you believe the outcome of that endurance [23:02] and those hard things will be great. [23:05] And that’s the role of faith in this. [23:08] And so what that means is, is that you are husbands called

[23:12] to do hard things for the benefit of your family. [23:17] So if you have a hobby or a certain thing in your lifestyle, [23:21] I’ll just use golf as the example [23:23] because I know a lot of people play golf. [23:24] I don’t. [23:25] But the reality is, is that if it is your happy place,

[23:29] you can just smell the greens when you wake up in the morning. [23:32] I mean, your dream is just to play golf to your heart’s content. [23:36] If it would be to the benefit of your family [23:40] to hang those clubs up for the next year [23:44] because some sacrificial work needs to be done [23:46] for your wife, for your family,

[23:49] so that they can grow in faith, grow in joy, grow in happiness. [23:53] You hang the clubs up. [23:57] That’s leadership. [23:59] That’s servanthood. [24:01] It is not walking around barking commands from a recliner.

[24:07] It is sacrificing for the good of your family. [24:13] That’s the type of leadership that the apostle Paul is talking about [24:17] because that’s the type of leadership [24:20] that inspires and encourages the wife to follow. [24:27] And so, husbands, I do necessarily mean [24:30] that if you are having issues with your wife,

[24:34] you don’t first look to say, what’s her problem?

[24:39] You look in the mirror and say, how has my leadership led us here?

[24:46] That’s the first question you ask. [24:48] That’s a hard question.

[24:52] That’s a question that will demand really being in touch [24:56] with where you are, what you are doing, and what your sins are. [25:00] The husband and father should be the chief repenter of every family.

[25:08] Now, a husband doesn’t just serve.

[25:14] It was really easy to talk about because I’m a husband. [25:17] And I’m a dude. [25:20] Second one’s not so easy because I start getting weird stares. [25:24] The wife follows.

[25:26] The wife follows. [25:28] You see, the term for submit and submission here are terms of authority. [25:34] You see, it then flows into the roles that God has designed for us. [25:39] In faith, we trust that those rules will give us the most joy. [25:45] When the wife joyfully submits to the husband’s leadership and defers to his headship, [25:53] that works out in real time, in real life situations.

[26:00] And so you are the wife. [26:03] And here’s the conversation that I often run into. [26:08] He’s not worthy of leading me. [26:11] Or, well, you don’t understand. [26:13] You don’t understand. [26:16] I’m a type A.

[26:18] I mean, I’m successful. [26:19] I’m a great leader. [26:21] Look at this success. [26:22] Look at this success. [26:23] Have you seen my resume? [26:24] I’m quite an impressive woman.

[26:27] And the reality is, I mean, I’m impressed. [26:29] Yeah, it’s fantastic. [26:31] And my husband, he is an introvert. [26:35] He’s a great man, but not a natural born leader.

[26:42] You are a natural born sinner.

[26:46] And in that instance, what you are doing is, [26:49] is you are saying, I am the exception to God’s design. [26:54] And I have more wisdom to offer my relationship and my marriage than God himself has. [27:00] Because I’m the exception to his rule. [27:03] No, you’re not.

[27:06] No, you’re not. [27:06] Your type A is a type A sin if it seeks to unseat the offices that God has created [27:16] within any relationship. [27:18] Specifically, within marriage. [27:21] God has clearly, through the text, designed for marriage to exist under the headship [27:28] of the husband and the followership of the wife, both of them leading their roles in

[27:33] the proper way. [27:34] And here’s the key. [27:34] What I want you to understand is, if the husband isn’t doing as good of a job as you [27:38] thought he was going to do, that does not abdicate anything.

[27:46] As much as you can, you submit to his leadership.

[27:51] You submit to the authority structures that God has given you. [27:54] Now, if he’s seeking to lead you away from the gospel of Jesus Christ, [27:58] that’s a different issue. [27:59] But that’s not what we’re talking about here.

[28:03] And my marriage, this works out in real time. [28:05] And God has graced me with a wonderful wife who advises me so much. [28:09] And headship works out really wonderful for me because I’m often able to be like, [28:13] so what do you think, honey? [28:14] And she gives me this advice, and then I ask her to submit to her own advice. [28:17] I mean, it’s a wonderful way in which it works out for me.

[28:22] I mean, it’s great. [28:22] I get the best ever. [28:24] And she loves it because it was her idea anyway. [28:27] I’m just like, absolutely. [28:30] Smartest guy around, huh?

[28:33] But see, if you’re following the biblical rules, that’s how fluid it will be. [28:39] It’ll be this beautiful dance in your marriage [28:43] where you’re flowing naturally because you’re becoming one.

[28:49] And see, husbands, see, sometimes you’ve abdicated your own authority. [28:53] And I’ll have guys come to me and say, my wife will not follow my leadership. [28:58] And what you’ve done is you’ve totally removed yourself from the situation. [29:01] You’ve handed her the checkbook. [29:02] You’ve handed her the discipline paddle. [29:04] You’ve handed her every single bit of authority in your house by your neglect.

[29:09] And so she’s paying the bills. [29:10] She knows where you are financially. [29:12] She knows what’s going on in your family. [29:13] And then you try to insert yourself and be like, [29:15] well, I don’t really understand what’s going on. [29:18] And she’s like, well, I had to do something.

[29:25] Husbands, responsibility to lead is yours. [29:28] Take the responsibility as a servant leader. [29:32] And do not expect anyone just to sit around waiting for you to lead. [29:39] Lead.

[29:41] And wives, let them.

[29:45] Don’t be the person that because he’s made mistakes for six months, [29:50] you ruin the next six months.

[29:54] Value his repentance when he says, I’ve done wrong and I need restoration.

[30:01] Walk in that with him and allow him to lead. [30:05] Don’t be a barrier to the gospel to either spouse in either of those scenarios. [30:10] It is not chauvinism. [30:14] See, bro, this ain’t about doing laundry. [30:18] You can do it. [30:20] I prefer not, but you can do it.

[30:23] Your wife needs your help. [30:26] You are to lead sacrificially as a servant. [30:29] You need to get your hands dirty. [30:32] Sometimes you need to cook. [30:32] Sometimes you need to clean. [30:33] Depends on the season.

[30:34] It’s tough. [30:35] It needs to be something in which your leadership is treasured rather than hated. [30:42] I mean, have you ever had a job where you hated your boss? [30:45] I think most of us have. [30:46] If you haven’t, you’re lucky. [30:49] Don’t be that boss at home.

[30:53] Be a servant leader because marriage forecasts what you think about God. [30:59] Therefore, you living out the role that God has called you to is the only way to live out of [31:06] submission to Christ. [31:08] This is about what God has called you to do. [31:12] Subverting the authority and responsibility to lead or to submit to leadership is never the [31:21] road of faith.

[31:24] Frankly, redefining gender roles is never the way either. [31:29] Complementarianism, I want us to be steeped here in that term, which states men and women [31:34] are equal in value, but different in roles, is the calling of God in this passage. [31:43] Let me be crystal clear. [31:45] Anyone that says that that is not what this passage teaches, from my lips to your ears, [31:51] is wrong.

[31:53] Their exegesis is wrong. [31:56] They’re getting the Greek wrong. [31:59] They are not right. [32:01] They’re leading you down a path that will not lead to God’s design. [32:07] Jesus is clear in Matthew 19. [32:10] Paul is clear in Ephesians 5, as well as Colossians, as well as 1 and 2 Timothy and Titus.

[32:17] It is the design of God from the book of Genesis. [32:22] Friends, husband, if you are not leading responsibly, then you are defaming the name of Christ.

[32:33] Wife, if you are not submitting respectfully, then you are defaming the name of Christ.

[32:42] Understand, marriage is about holiness before it’s about happiness. [32:47] Marriage is about holiness long before it’s about happiness. [32:51] I mean, today, let’s be honest. [32:53] Happiness is synonymous with instant gratification. [32:56] But a vow, like for better or worse, is a vow that forecasts the reality of life and marriage. [33:03] There will be very trying moments.

[33:07] Unfortunately, this is a promise for some that seems to fade over time. [33:12] What’s going to happen is you will have very unhelpful friends. [33:17] And here’s the key. [33:17] Don’t be this friend, because it’s not helpful. [33:22] Their unhelpful friends will advise you, oh, your happiness is the most important thing.

[33:29] Let me ask you a question. [33:30] Let me challenge that advice. [33:33] How does that factor in to that promise? [33:36] How does that factor in to the gospel of Jesus Christ and what your marriage is supposed to [33:42] tell the world about the gospel of Jesus Christ? [33:46] I mean, look at what he says, starting in verse 25 again.

[33:50] He says, [33:50] Husbands, love your wives. [33:51] As Christ loved the church, gave himself up for her, [33:54] that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water and his word, [34:00] so that he might present the church to himself in splendor without spot or wrinkle or any such [34:06] thing, that she might be holy and without blemish.

[34:09] In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies, [34:13] he who loves his wife loves himself. [34:15] For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, [34:19] just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body.

[34:27] See, when you are going through a trying time, it is not time to abandon ship. [34:33] It is time to reflect on the vow that you made to a faithful God [34:38] that will never leave you, nor forsake you. [34:42] And what does Paul, in this passage, hold marriage up as an example of how Christ [34:48] views his church, cherishes his church, nourishes his church, seeks to present the church to [34:54] himself on that day in the future without spot or wrinkle.

[34:59] That is how the husband is to view his bride, as Christ views the church, [35:05] and the bride is to view the husband as the church views Christ. [35:10] But how do they view each other? [35:12] As one in the same. [35:14] The head, the body. [35:15] If you decapitate me, that is not good.

[35:19] I won’t enjoy it. [35:21] I won’t live long after it either. [35:24] And so what Jesus says about his church is, the church is my body, [35:27] and so the bride and groom must view each other in same light.

[35:32] So happiness is no reason to begin to cut your limbs off.

[35:40] You will not be happier afterwards.

[35:45] Jesus tells us here in his wisdom, he says, love your bride, and endure in faithfulness [35:55] as Jesus endures in faithfulness with his church. [35:58] And Hebrews 13 reminds us that marriage is to be held in high honor and that the purity [36:03] of the union of the husband and wife must be protected at all costs. [36:08] But in the moment when you’re experiencing bouts of unhappiness, passages like this remind us that [36:15] there is something greater at stake here.

[36:17] Your eternal joy. [36:20] That’s why the apostle Paul tells us that the role of the husband is not at all chiefly [36:24] about this material world. [36:27] That there is an eternal element to the shepherding that the husband is responsible for. [36:33] And the covenant of marriage is about the gospel and the life created by the gospel. [36:40] Therefore, your faithfulness inside of marriage must be a primary aim in your life.

[36:48] To break the covenant of marriage is necessarily a statement of how you view the faithfulness [36:54] and judgment of God in your life. [36:56] It is literally a picture of your faith in Jesus. [37:02] Now, I’m going to make a statement, and I want you to roll with me as I explain that statement, [37:06] because some of you immediately you might just retort, I disagree with you. [37:09] That’s okay.

[37:11] But roll with me before you get too committed to your disagreement with me, okay? [37:16] The statement is that the root of divorce is always sin. [37:22] The root of divorce is always sin. [37:23] And I say that having walked through divorces with some of you and with other people. [37:29] And I think that you would agree with me that it wasn’t because you were having such a great day [37:34] that the divorce happened.

[37:36] And ultimately, the root of sin is always a lack of submission to Jesus. [37:44] Because every instance of divorce in Scripture leans to faithlessness as the cause. [37:52] Matthew 19, Jesus points to the defilement of the marriage bed as a covenant breaking act [37:58] in which the marriage may be dissolved. [38:01] Doesn’t have to be, but it can be. [38:04] I just want to read verse 9 of Matthew 19.

[38:06] He says, and I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, [38:11] and marries another, commits adultery. [38:15] Forgiveness is in view of the gospel, and it is available. [38:18] But the covenant is tarnished through faithlessness. [38:25] In 1 Corinthians 7, the apostle Paul offers abandonment as a cause for divorce. [38:30] He says in verse 15, he says, but if the unbelieving partner separates,

[38:35] let it be so. [38:36] In such cases, the brother or sister is not enslaved. [38:40] God has called you to peace. [38:43] So what do we have there? [38:45] If the spouse leaves you, just immediately get divorced? [38:49] No, that is not the picture here.

[38:51] That’s not what Paul’s saying. [38:53] What he’s saying is that after vigorous pursuit, when there is no hope of return, [39:00] the faithful spouse may be at peace because the abandoner has revealed that he or she [39:09] has broken the covenant with you and with God. [39:14] You see, friends, divorce typically reveals one spouse does not believe the gospel. [39:21] And that is specifically the context of 1 Corinthians 7.

[39:26] This is no easy thing. [39:28] This is not about irreconcilable differences. [39:29] This is not a no fault divorce. [39:31] They don’t actually exist in reality. [39:34] The reality is that marriage is to forecast our view of the faithfulness of God. [39:41] And when we break that covenant, it forecasts the opposite.

[39:46] It forecasts unfaithfulness. [39:50] And so, friends, I want you to understand that this is not a subject that needs to be [39:55] dealt with lightly. [39:56] This is not a subject that is just about your happiness or unhappiness. [39:59] This is a subject that is about how to live a gospel centered life because the ramifications [40:06] of what it says about you are huge.

[40:11] Huge. [40:13] Thirdly, this morning, marriage is an act of intentional unity. [40:19] Marriage is an act of intentional unity. [40:22] I would love to tell you that it’s just an act of unity, but that’s not what it is. [40:27] Because if you get married, you’re not just going to be united if both of you go in [40:33] different directions.

[40:36] Sure, you can say, oh, mystically, existentially, we’re united. [40:39] I want to talk about practical unity because I think that’s what we all want. [40:43] I know that’s what we all need. [40:45] And that’s what I hope if your marriage is going through a tough season, no matter how [40:49] hard it is, that you will have a vision for intentionally coming together as one. [40:57] Here’s what Paul says in finishing Ephesians 5.

[40:59] He says, therefore, a man shall leave his father and mother, hold fast to his wife, [41:03] the two shall become one flesh. [41:05] This mystery is profound. [41:06] And I am saying that it refers to Christ and the Church. [41:08] However, let each one of you love his wife as himself and let the wife see that she [41:15] respects her husband.

[41:18] Marriage is literally renouncing individual autonomy. [41:24] Did you know that? [41:25] Marriage is literally a statement that your life will never be about you anymore. [41:33] You are now a package deal. [41:36] Husband and wife for the rest of your life, for better or worse. [41:42] And see, self-centered absorption will creep in.

[41:46] See, that is the tension of struggling with sin. [41:49] The problem that I see is that many of you aren’t fighting that sin. [41:55] You’re running headlong and dealing with yourself as an individual and saying, well, [42:00] he or she will she what you need to begin is to communicate. [42:04] We because you two are one flesh. [42:11] So any accusation that you levy against the other about your self-fulfillment is one that

[42:17] you are also making to yourself. [42:20] And when your friends begin to deal with you as an individual more than they deal with you [42:26] too as a unit, as one. [42:30] And that friend is not being a good friend. [42:33] Friend is being detrimental to your oneness. [42:36] Friend, I want to help you.

[42:39] You need to stop pointing the finger and asking how your spouse is fulfilling you.

[42:48] So long as you both do that, neither of you will ever have better. [42:55] You will only have worse. [42:59] Even then, you vowed to endure worse. [43:05] Understand, Jesus endures you every day.

[43:11] And faith demands that you reciprocate how Jesus deals with you.

[43:17] When we begin to think in those terms, that’s how we begin to form a gospel-centered ethic [43:22] inside of our marriages.

[43:25] I want to drop a knowledge bomb about what it means to become one.

[43:34] It means to become one. [43:37] I’m so good at math when it only involves one number. [43:42] And you can help your marriage if you will be that good at math. [43:49] You will stop dealing with yourself as though you are a separate entity from your spouse [43:54] with your own rights, with your own demands, with your own wants, and your own needs, [43:59] and your own vision for what your life’s going to be and what’s going to make you happy.

[44:02] And you need to form a vision of togetherness, of unity, of oneness. [44:09] And then you will begin to walk forward as husband and wife under God’s design. [44:16] But until you repent of your individual autonomy inside of marriage, [44:21] you will not experience what real unity is all about.

[44:28] You need to have complete access to one another’s lives. [44:35] Total. [44:36] No secret codes, no secret passwords, no secret bank accounts, no secret anything [44:43] that after you die they find out they’re millionaires because you were hoarding it all. [44:47] None of that exists inside of marriage. [44:49] Each spouse needs 100% total access into each spouse’s complete life.

[44:58] My wife could declare me dead because she had so much access to my life. [45:02] And I show up next Sunday and you guys are like, Steve, we’ve got a death certificate. [45:06] And be like, maybe I gave her too much access. [45:08] No, I didn’t. [45:09] That’s how much access she needs into my life because she’s my wife. [45:15] We are one.

[45:17] There’s no secrets inside of marriages. [45:19] When you begin to live your life like that, what you’ve done in that moment of distrust [45:24] is you have formed a crack. [45:26] And over time that crack will begin to form a massive crater of disunity inside of your marriage. [45:35] And it will all begin to crumble. [45:38] Are you one or are you not?

[45:43] Galatians 5.13 tells us to reject passivity of this oneness inside of our marriage. [45:49] And I want to close with this.

[45:52] Apostle Paul writes, he says, you were called to freedom. [45:55] And I love the freedom that the gospel of Jesus Christ gives us. [45:58] I mean, it is wonderful. [46:01] He says, only do not use your freedom as an opportunity for the flesh. [46:07] But through love, serve one another. [46:13] What Paul’s saying there is, do not use the gospel as an excuse for your sin.

[46:22] The gospel in its freedom creates a person living service to one another. [46:30] And we talk frequently about the reality that in the local church, [46:34] we offer environments for you to live out the one another’s of scripture. [46:38] But right now, what I want you to understand is that if you are married, [46:42] the church is not even the local center of where the one another, such as this one, [46:50] begin to flesh out in your life.

[46:54] It starts in your marriage.

[46:58] You need to love one another. [47:00] Serve one another. [47:03] Comfort one another. [47:05] Help one another. [47:07] And the more than 50 other one another’s of scripture, husband, wife, [47:13] you need to form a vision and a plan for how you in your marriage are going to begin today

[47:21] to live out the one another’s of scripture to each other. [47:26] Husband, this is not about how your wife treats you. [47:30] This is about what the gospel calls you to. [47:32] Wife, this is not about how your husband treats you. [47:36] This is about what the gospel calls you to. [47:38] And if you do not submit your life to that call,

[47:43] then my friends, what is at stake here is your faith.

[47:49] And you need to be real about that. [47:52] There will be many seasons where it is hard. [47:56] There will be many seasons where that type of faith is difficult, [48:00] but this is where faith that leads to faithfulness enters. [48:07] This is where joy in Jesus leads to an enduring faithfulness in your marriage. [48:15] That is the road that Jesus always walks.

[48:21] And we need to take his lead.

[48:27] As the band comes up,

[48:32] I am not an expert husband.

[48:36] For the most part, I’m terrible at it. [48:39] I have lots of witnesses, four of them that live in my house.

[48:44] So the hope that I want you to have this morning is not, [48:48] well, it looks like Steve’s got it all together. [48:50] He doesn’t. [48:51] But what I do have is a Jesus who’s always faithful, [48:57] who’s always gracious, who’s always forgiving. [49:00] And when my wife and I, when we disagree, when we fight,

[49:04] when we argue, when one of us blows it and the other one’s like, [49:07] see, you blew it. [49:08] What we have in that moment is a Jesus to look at who gives me justice [49:14] for when I do wrong or when she wrongs me, which is the rarity. [49:17] And I have a Jesus that I can look to and I can receive his forgiveness. [49:23] And then I can give that forgiveness that Jesus gives me to my spouse and vice versa.

[49:28] And then we can become one because I serve a Jesus that’s a reconciler. [49:32] I serve a Jesus that’s a restorer. [49:34] And we can, in light of his grace, begin again every single moment. [49:41] And walk forward in love, walk forward in unity, walk forward in covenant. [49:46] That’s what I want for you guys. [49:49] I want you walking forward in Jesus’s path.

[49:56] This morning, as we always respond in communion, [50:00] the bread represents the broken body, the cup represents his shed blood. [50:03] And when you eat and when you drink, you proclaim to everyone around you, [50:08] say, I believe the gospel. [50:10] I believe he’s reconciled me to God. [50:12] I believe he’s restoring me in my life.

[50:15] I believe he’s offered me real forgiveness.

[50:20] Then I want you to walk out that door and I want you to offer that type of life to your spouse.

[50:28] Live the gospel in your marriage. [50:32] When you’re ready, come.