The Wise Value Marriage.

Steve Gentry

[0:04] Well, alright, go ahead and have a seat. [0:07] Welcome to Village Church. [0:08] If this is your first time here, my name’s Steve. [0:10] I’m one of the pastors here at Village Church. [0:11] And as always, I’m thankful and grateful to see each and every one of you. [0:14] If you have a Bible, go ahead and open it to Proverbs chapter 18.

[0:17] We’re going to be starting in verse 22, but we’re going to be going throughout many different [0:22] texts in the book of Proverbs this morning as we continue through this series in which [0:28] we, instead of going through the natural instinct to live and learn, instead we learn [0:35] to live. [0:36] And today the specific instance that we’re going to be talking about how to apply that [0:39] concept is marriage.

[0:42] Now in many different ways, marriage, I think, is one of the struggles where learning to [0:48] live is concerned that we, I think by and large, believe that marriage can only be learned [0:56] as it is experienced, and that is not the posture that scripture takes. [1:01] It certainly isn’t the posture that the book of Proverbs takes. [1:04] Marriage is something that you are meant to prepare for before you enter into it. [1:11] And it is something that you can either be wise about marriage or you can be foolish

[1:16] about marriage. [1:18] And I know that we have people from all types of situations in the room. [1:22] Some of you are single. [1:24] Some of you are divorced. [1:26] Some of you are unhappily married. [1:28] Some of you are happily married.

[1:30] Some of you, I’m certain, you know, your wife or husband has passed away. [1:35] But what I want you to understand is that the statement of the title, the wise value [1:40] marriage, is true regardless of the circumstances of your life. [1:46] So even if you are single or if you are divorced, I hope that through the scriptures that you [1:51] can learn what it is from your situation and the circumstances that you find yourself [1:56] in, I hope you will understand why you should value marriage.

[2:02] Christians do not base their opinions about something on personal experience. [2:08] And I think that that is something that we often do. [2:12] It’s a rut that we can fall into. [2:14] We look at things and say, well, what were the results? [2:16] Well, that’s what I think about that particular issue. [2:19] So for many people, your opinion about marriage is based on what you have experienced for

[2:24] better or worse in marriage. [2:27] And I want you to understand that that is not a recipe for health. [2:31] That is rather a recipe for disaster. [2:34] God wants you to base what you think about marriage from his word. [2:39] God has not been silent on marriage. [2:41] Rather, God has been abundantly clear as to what he thinks about marriage and how he would

[2:49] So Proverbs 1.7 again is the theme for all of our sermons through this series, the theme [2:54] of the entire book of Proverbs. [2:57] The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge. [3:00] So if you want to know anything about marriage, you have to begin with a fear of God for you [3:07] to have an appropriate view of marriage. [3:11] Number one this morning, marriage works best for the wise.

[3:15] Marriage works best for the wise. [3:17] Shouldn’t that be obvious? [3:19] Shouldn’t that be common sense that if you are wise, you’re going to have a better marriage [3:26] than if you’re a fool. [3:28] And the reason that many of you are not experiencing great success in marriage and the reason that [3:34] many of you maybe didn’t experience great success at a previous marriage is if you even

[3:39] if you don’t want to admit it, I’ll just lay it on the table because you’re a fool.

[3:43] Here’s the deal. [3:45] Marriages succeed or fail based on wisdom and foolishness and so if you are in a failing [3:50] marriage or if you are in a marriage that failed, one or both of you were foolish and [3:55] I doubt it was 100-0 either way. [3:59] You know, it was all his fault or it was all her fault. [4:01] Well, let’s start at 90 and work our way backwards because I’m certain it’s closer to 50 than

[4:06] you would care to admit. [4:09] The reality is redemption is actually found in admitting your fault and admitting your [4:19] responsibility and owning your part. [4:23] So we need to begin with the reality that God designed marriage. [4:28] God designed it. [4:30] Genesis chapter 2 verse 24, Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother, hold fast

[4:34] to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. [4:39] So marriage was the first institution designed by God. [4:43] The first covenant that God made between human beings is the covenant of marriage. [4:48] So that should tell us something about marriage. [4:51] The big thing that it tells us about marriage is that marriage is primarily about God and [4:55] only then is it about us.

[4:57] So this covenant is something that God wanted for us to experience and that if we’re going [5:04] to experience a relationship with someone of the opposite sex that’s going to become [5:09] two flesh becoming one, that’s what the intimate relationship of marriage is like, then it [5:15] has to be founded on the wisdom of God. [5:17] But oftentimes what we do is that we treat marriage as God. [5:22] Marriage is not God and your spouse is an even worse God.

[5:27] And so you can go wrong from the beginning by being foolish about the design of marriage [5:32] and believing that your spouse is meant to fulfill every fantasy you’ve ever had. [5:38] You can believe that your spouse exists to bring you ultimate satisfaction, that your [5:43] spouse exists to bring you ultimate fulfillment, and there you will put the weight of God on [5:48] the shoulders of another person. [5:49] And I can promise you one thing, they will disappoint you.

[5:53] They will not measure up. [5:55] They will not be able to bear the burden that only God was meant to bear. [6:00] And so you should not expect your spouse to fulfill every thought and whim and satisfaction [6:07] and fantasy and everything that you ever want in your life. [6:11] That is too much. [6:13] You can’t handle it.

[6:15] No one can. [6:16] But we also have to be clear that the marriage relationship is the most significant relationship [6:24] that you will ever experience. [6:27] And that is by the design of God. [6:30] There is no other relationship that will have the impact in your life that marriage [6:34] has and it should be treated as such.

[6:37] So if you enter into marriage with a view that this is equal to my relationship with [6:42] my closest friends, that’s foolish. [6:46] It’s not. [6:47] It’s more important than your relationship with your closest friends. [6:50] It should be treated as more important than your relationship with your closest friends. [6:53] And here’s the deal.

[6:55] You’re going to have a lot less time to spend and pour into your closest friends [6:59] if you’re doing marriage right. [7:01] And you’re probably going to lose a few of them anyway.

[7:05] Your relationship with your husband or wife is more important than your relationship [7:09] with your parents. [7:11] All right. [7:11] And everyone that has a bad relationship with their in-laws said, amen.

[7:17] I mean, am I right? [7:19] Let’s be honest. [7:21] That’s why there’s a natural tension between in-laws and your spouse. [7:26] It’s a natural tension because there is always a temptation to go backwards [7:33] because your relationship with your parents was the most significant relationship in your life.

[7:40] Past tense. [7:42] Your relationship with your spouse is now the most significant relationship in your life. [7:47] Your husband or wife does not have to do according to your mom and dad’s opinion. [7:55] Nor should they. [7:58] They have more say. [8:00] And so wives, husbands, whichever one’s doing it, if the standard by which you measure

[8:06] how successful your spouse is being in the relationship by what your mom thinks about him [8:11] or her, you’re a fool. [8:14] It doesn’t matter what your mom thinks. [8:16] Grow up.

[8:19] Let your mom be mad at you. [8:21] Sometimes it’s fun.

[8:25] It doesn’t matter what they think. [8:27] And some of you are in-laws and you’re ruining someone’s marriage because you won’t shut up.

[8:36] If you don’t like your wife’s husband, it’s too late. [8:40] Should have said something two years ago before they got married. [8:44] Once they’re married, you better be for both of them.

[8:49] I’m not talking about extreme situations, [8:51] but I’m talking about the reality that the marriage relationship is more important than [8:56] your relationship with your mom or your dad. [8:59] And some of you are into your 40s and you’re into your 50s and you haven’t figured that out yet. [9:07] I love you, but that’s sad. [9:10] If you are 50 years old, still worried about what your mom thinks about your wife, bro, be a man.

[9:20] Your relationship is significant. [9:22] Look what Proverbs 18, 22 says. [9:25] He who finds a wife, finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord. [9:31] To which some of you just thought, doesn’t feel that way. [9:35] Feels like I just found indigestion.

[9:41] Again, are you basing your opinion on marriage, on what God has said, on what you’ve done, [9:48] on what you have experienced? [9:51] Because if you allow your experience, and it can be negative or positive, [9:58] to be the defining element for how you view the institution, then you are not going to view it [10:05] according to God’s design. [10:06] But I want to be honest.

[10:09] If you married a woman and she left and took half your money with her on the way out, [10:17] I get it. [10:20] That verse is hard. [10:22] That verse is difficult. [10:24] It doesn’t feel like you obtained favor from the Lord. [10:26] It feels like you obtained the biggest mistake of your life.

[10:30] And the same thing with a wife whose husband walks out the door and abandons her. [10:34] Even more if he abandons her and the children. [10:37] That feels terrible. [10:39] See, you look at that verse and you say, God, how could that possibly be true? [10:42] How was she a good thing? [10:44] Remember, what texts like this are doing are not based on your foolishness.

[10:49] They’re based on a best case scenario. [10:51] This text is based on if you prepared yourself with wisdom for marriage. [10:59] If you made a lot of right decisions before you entered into the marriage relationship [11:03] and prepared yourself to make a lot of right decisions inside of the marriage relationship, [11:08] then you can be prepared to find favor of the Lord. [11:11] But if you were a fool and you entered into your relationship of marriage,

[11:15] making all sorts of bad decisions, making foolish decision after foolish decision [11:19] after foolish decision, and then you married a foolish person, [11:23] don’t expect for everything just to be magically fixed [11:26] because you entered into a marriage relationship. [11:28] And when two fools get together, do you know what happens? [11:31] Foolishness.

[11:32] And things don’t tend to go right. [11:35] But here’s the other thing. [11:36] If you married a fool, what do you think that says about you?

[11:41] Wise people don’t marry morons.

[11:45] Wise people are smarter than that. [11:48] Wise people see a fool a mile away and say, [11:50] I can tell you one thing, that marriage ain’t gonna happen. [11:53] I always knew when I was on a date with a fool, [11:56] she brought up marriage on our first date.

[12:00] I felt like looking at him and saying, [12:02] I don’t even know if that’s your real hair color. [12:04] I am not buying a ring. [12:06] We ain’t ready for that. [12:09] So if you are not going to build a life with a consistent rhythm of wisdom, [12:18] why would you expect to make a good decision

[12:21] about the most significant relationship of your life?

[12:25] And some people will read the book of Proverbs [12:27] and they will retort that it is in some way chauvinistic because, [12:31] let’s be honest, if you’ve read the book of Proverbs, fantastic. [12:34] If you haven’t read the book of Proverbs, [12:35] I hope through this sermon series, [12:37] you will begin to saturate your life with the book of Proverbs

[12:40] because I think it is the book that will lead to the best decisions of anybody’s life. [12:46] The book of Proverbs is written from a father to a son. [12:50] Okay, it’s not written from a mother to a daughter. [12:51] It’s not written from a father to a daughter. [12:53] It’s written from a father to a son, [12:55] preparing his son for every office and vocation

[12:58] that he will ever enter into in his life. [13:00] And so he’s preparing his son to be a wise man. [13:03] And so when it says text like this, you have to understand [13:06] it’s because he’s preparing his son for marriage. [13:09] But in the same vein, sometimes when we read the Bible, [13:13] we get frustrated because we cannot find a verse

[13:15] that says exactly what we want it to say. [13:18] We cannot find a verse that has exactly the terminology [13:22] or the exact specific terms that we want it to say. [13:26] And when we read the Bible like that, we rob ourselves of a lot of wisdom [13:31] because even though you will not find in the Proverbs, [13:35] here’s how to be a good husband or here’s how to find a good husband.

[13:39] If you will read it in the context within which it is meant to be understood, [13:43] you will understand that every verse of the book of Proverbs [13:47] is meant to form a great husband. [13:51] Everything about wisdom and foolishness in the book of Proverbs [13:53] is Solomon preparing his son to be a good husband. [13:57] So if you want to know what a good husband looks like,

[14:00] read the book of Proverbs because it’s all about being a good husband. [14:04] Because if he is preparing his son for every office and vocation [14:08] that he will ever enter into, biblically speaking, [14:12] you will understand that the office of husband [14:14] is the most important vocation he will ever enter into. [14:18] And so Solomon is wanting him to apply every ounce of wisdom

[14:22] that he pours on to him in the thought of I need to be a good husband. [14:28] But part of being a good husband is guess what? [14:30] Choosing a good wife.

[14:33] Good husbands choose good wives. [14:37] Foolish husbands, guess what they choose? [14:40] Foolish wives. [14:42] All right. [14:42] And so you have to read the book of Proverbs as it was meant to be read.

[14:49] Wisdom protects you from foolishness. [14:53] Proverbs 2.16.

[14:56] Solomon has spent a chapter and a half telling his son, [14:59] I want you to be wise. [15:00] He says, why? [15:02] So that you will be delivered from what? [15:05] The forbidden woman. [15:08] From the adulteress with her smooth words.

[15:12] Solomon is saying, if you will listen to me, if you will grow wise, [15:18] this will protect you from marrying a woman with no virtue or wisdom. [15:23] Foolishness then, note the terms forbidden and adulterous.

[15:29] Foolishness leads to not valuing God’s design. [15:34] Therefore, they quickly pervert God’s design for sex and marriage. [15:40] Proverbs 6.24 goes further. [15:42] Solomon writes to his son, he says, I want to preserve you from what? [15:46] The evil woman from the smooth tongue of the adulteress. [15:51] Solomon is saying, if someone is a smooth talker the first time you meet them, look out.

[15:58] Look out. [16:00] If someone comes to you and they just they know all the words to pique your interest. [16:06] They know all the words to make you feel like the prettiest woman in the room or the best looking [16:12] man in the room and they are very forward with their speech about your physical attraction. [16:19] Solomon is saying, the wise know. [16:22] Look out.

[16:24] But here’s what we do. [16:26] Oh, I think he’s the one.

[16:30] Because he got you. [16:33] Because you were foolish. [16:35] Here’s the deal. [16:36] If the only reason somebody wants to get with you is because they think you are physically [16:40] attractive, what do you think they’re going to do when you stop being physically attractive? [16:45] It’s coming and it’s going to hit you like a train.

[16:47] He’s going to go bald. [16:49] She’s going to lose her waistline. [16:50] That’s just the way it goes.

[16:53] Except for me. [16:55] My wife says I’m a Clooney.

[17:00] She’s a smooth talker. [17:02] Wait a, wait a second. [17:05] Solomon warned me about you.

[17:09] Friends, children need to be raised and taught wisdom so that they will know what really [17:17] matters. [17:18] Solomon is telling his son, I am raising you so that you will not enter into a relationship [17:24] with an easy woman. [17:26] I want you to marry a woman of integrity. [17:28] I want you to marry a woman of virtue.

[17:31] Proverbs 6 24 begins with the statement to preserve you. [17:36] He’s looking out for his son’s best interest. [17:38] That is his goal. [17:39] If he does not marry a wise woman, there is danger ahead.

[17:45] Marriage will make you or it will break you. [17:49] That’s what Solomon is saying. [17:51] This is what it looks like to value marriage. [17:54] You put up barriers, procedures and strategies to ensure that you do not enter into a relationship [18:01] with a fool.

[18:04] Number two, this morning marriage requires preparation. [18:07] Marriage requires preparation.

[18:10] Being the right person is more important than finding the right person. [18:15] I want to say that again. [18:17] Being the right person is more important than finding the right person. [18:22] Now, Proverbs 18 22, let’s be sure it uses the term finds. [18:29] Often people are looking for a spouse, but you are looking without taking into account [18:34] your substance.

[18:36] Now think about this way. [18:37] I want to talk to the single people in here, whether you’ve been single for your whole [18:41] life, whether you are newly single, whether you’re a divorced person. [18:45] I want to help you build from here an ethic for how you can protect yourself from marrying [18:52] a fool, because I’ll tell you the truth. [18:56] No matter how discouraged you are, it is better to be single than it is to enter into an

[19:02] unhealthy marriage that’s going to fail. [19:04] And you can prevent that. [19:05] I believe that you can prevent that.

[19:09] So worst case scenario, you avoid divorce. [19:13] Best case scenario, you find the love of your life because you’re so wise. [19:18] Did you know that finding a wise person is more about you being wise than it is about [19:23] them being wise? [19:25] Because wisdom aids you in not accepting a loser. [19:31] And that is what literally Solomon is protecting his child from.

[19:36] You may not want to think that, but when your son or daughter brings them home, that’s [19:39] what you’re going to be thinking. [19:40] What a loser. [19:42] You got to go. [19:42] All right. [19:44] Now, Proverbs 18 22 says we are to find, but here’s the deal.

[19:48] Have you ever considered that finding begins with becoming?

[19:56] How are you going to know what you are supposed to find if you are not that person? [20:02] So if you are not wise, how are you going to find a wise person? [20:07] If you are not the person somebody would say is Mr. Or Mrs. Right, [20:11] then how are you going to find Mr. Or Mrs. Right? [20:14] Or maybe when you do, they’re going to think you’re a fool. [20:17] And so you need to spend time preparing.

[20:20] If you are not focused primarily on who you are becoming, you cannot hope to have the [20:26] right tools to be able to recognize goodness in another person. [20:30] So if you then fall in love with a fool, you need to take stock in what that says about you. [20:37] Most of us are more focused in what that says about the other person. [20:41] Then we are focused on what does that say about me. [20:44] If I go into a relationship with a fool after fool after fool after fool.

[20:49] After awhile. [20:50] Shouldn’t I be asking myself what that says about me. [20:53] If I only enter into a relationship with losers, if I only enter into a relationship [20:57] with people that aren’t that smart, if I only enter into a relationship with failures, [21:01] if I only enter into a relationship with people that have no wisdom, what does that say about [21:04] me?

[21:05] Well guess what? [21:06] It begins to say that you have no wisdom. [21:09] It begins to mark you as a fool. [21:12] Growing in wisdom prevents future failure. [21:16] Did you know that? [21:18] Proverbs 20 verses 6 and 7 says this about personal growth.

[21:34] Now there’s two proclamations and one promise there. [21:38] The question you have to ask when you’re looking at this verse is, are you focused [21:41] on becoming a better, wiser person? [21:44] Or is your focus always on what the other person has to be? [21:49] It is easy to set up standards for others. [21:52] I’ve found that in my life and I’ve found that to be so true in the lives of other

[21:55] people. [21:56] I have a really easy time setting goals for other people.

[22:01] It’s really easy for me to say, you know what you should expect of yourself? [22:05] It’s really easy for me to say, this is what you need to be like. [22:09] It’s really easy for me to hold someone else accountable. [22:12] It’s really easy for me to make a list of non-negotiables for what the other person [22:18] has to look like. [22:20] But what is extremely difficult is for me to look in the mirror and admit where I need

[22:24] to grow. [22:25] It is really difficult for me to mark out what I need to become. [22:30] And if you spend more time focused on what Mr. Right or Mrs. Right needs to look like [22:38] and no time on how am I preparing myself to be ready when I find that person, then the [22:46] day will never come where you do. [22:48] Because even if you interact with them, they’re going to be like, what have you been spending

[22:53] your time on?

[22:55] Not becoming wise. [22:58] It is way easier to set goals for other people. [23:00] But God wants you to become the right person before you’re ever going to be able to find [23:07] the right person. [23:08] This can also prevent natural discouragement. [23:11] Don’t get me wrong.

[23:13] For many people, you thought marriage was going to come five years ago. [23:19] And that’s discouraging. [23:21] Let’s not pretend that it’s like, oh, no, you’re in the best years of your life. [23:25] No, it’s probably not very much fun. [23:26] I want to admit that with you. [23:28] I want to admit that that’s probably naturally discouraging.

[23:31] Or some of you are in a situation where you’re 35 or 40 and you’re single even though you [23:36] used to be married because of a divorce and you didn’t think you were ever going to find [23:40] yourself in this position. [23:42] But I want you to, from where you are, understand that if your focus will be on entering into [23:50] environments of personal discipleship, if your focus will be on becoming the person [23:55] that God has designed for you to be, you will have your hands full.

[24:00] You will be busier than you ever thought you would be. [24:03] And you will run out of time to focus on your discouragement because of who you are becoming [24:08] where wisdom is concerned. [24:10] He makes two proclamations. [24:12] He says, faithful man, and he says walks in his integrity. [24:17] Here’s the deal.

[24:18] You cannot over coffee with someone, find out how faithful they are. [24:23] So don’t expect you to become that person overnight. [24:27] It takes season after season after season, test after test after test to prove faithfulness. [24:33] Don’t enter quickly into a committed relationship with a person if you haven’t spent any time [24:37] viewing them over a period of seasons to see what type of person they actually are. [24:43] Walks in his integrity.

[24:44] Do you know it takes time to build integrity? [24:47] But here’s the promise. [24:50] Blessed are his children after him. [24:52] So if you will invest in becoming the person that God has designed for you to be and growing [24:58] in wisdom so that you can find what wisdom really should look like in another person. [25:02] God says, now I don’t know specifically how this is going to work out in each and every

[25:07] life because I think promises like this are more about the idea than they are the specifics. [25:12] But God promises that you will leave a legacy of greatness. [25:17] That’s what blessed are his children after him look like. [25:19] Because if you leave a legacy of wise children, man, there’s no greater blessing than that. [25:24] I tell you that as a father, there’s no greater blessing than having wise children. [25:29] But if you will follow after God to become a wise person from a state of singleness

[25:36] and beyond, then God says you’ll leave a legacy of greatness. [25:41] And isn’t that what everyone wants? [25:45] Don’t you want to ensure you will leave that legacy? [25:48] You will have a full life no matter what road God specifically has designed for you to walk on. [25:55] He will give you a legacy of greatness. [25:58] Look at Proverbs 19, 13 through 14.

[26:01] A foolish son is ruined to his father and a wife’s quarreling is a continual dripping of rain.

[26:10] Verse 14, we’ll have more of that kind of stuff later. [26:14] House and wealth are inherited from fathers, but a prudent wife is from the Lord. [26:20] No one can give you a good marriage. [26:23] You have to work for it. [26:25] You have to prepare for it. [26:27] He says a few key points in these two passages, but he builds from a place of wisdom to marriage

[26:35] in both of those verses. [26:37] First, the focus of legacy. [26:39] A foolish son is a ruin to his father. [26:41] Note that the focus of that text is obviously on character above all. [26:46] If you are not wise, you will not leave a good legacy behind you and your father won’t be proud of you. [26:52] That displays the type of marriage that a person will have.

[26:56] He then points out being quarrelsome.

[27:01] Don’t be a nag. [27:03] Don’t do it. [27:05] Solomon literally notes that being annoying can ruin a marriage. [27:12] Now, I want to give you a test.

[27:15] Are you annoying?

[27:17] Now, hold on. [27:19] If you pause after I ask that question and said, am I? [27:24] Yes.

[27:26] Yes, you are. [27:28] If you have to think even for a moment as to whether or not you were annoying or not, [27:32] the survey says you are. [27:35] You know what the answer is? [27:37] Stop it.

[27:39] Stop being annoying. [27:40] It is going to ruin your marriage. [27:43] You will not have a healthy marriage if you are an annoying person. [27:48] Prepare to not be annoying. [27:52] That’s how you prepare for marriage. [27:54] You can do it.

[27:55] Now, what if you’re already in marriage and you say, Steve, what do I do? [27:59] He’s annoying. [28:00] She’s annoying. [28:01] How do I stop it? [28:02] I want to give you some examples.

[28:05] If that honey do list is 50 to 100 things long and you constantly go to your husband [28:13] and say, have you? [28:15] Have you done this? [28:16] Have you done that? [28:16] Have you done this? [28:17] Have you done that?

[28:18] Are you finished with this yet? [28:19] Oh, I see that hole still there. [28:21] Oh, I see this hasn’t been done yet. [28:22] Oh, you haven’t thrown that away yet. [28:25] Stop it.

[28:27] There’s going to come a day. [28:28] You’re going to look out the window in the backyard. [28:30] There’s your husband. [28:31] Stand in there. [28:33] Blank look on his face, looking at the sky. [28:36] You broke him.

[28:39] He is out there saying, oh, God, I don’t even know where to start. [28:44] She wants so much. [28:46] I don’t even know what the first thing is. [28:48] Kill me.

[28:52] You’ve annoyed him to a nervous breakdown.

[28:56] Let’s not just talk about annoying wives. [28:59] Because some of you guys, you’re pretty annoying. [29:03] But I’ve learned that women and men can be annoying in different ways. [29:10] For husbands, he talks about the continual dripping of rain. [29:13] That’s because it’s words. [29:14] Husbands, we just don’t want to hear it.

[29:17] But wives, I’ve learned.

[29:21] I’ve been paying attention.

[29:25] There’s going to come a day where she’s carrying that clothes basket. [29:29] It’s full. [29:30] And whatever religiously committed sport season it is for you, [29:34] where 17 hours on Saturday you watch whatever sport it is, [29:39] she walks by and she’s carrying a clothes basket. [29:42] It’s all about breathing pattern, boys.

[29:46] She carries that clothes basket and she walks by and cuts that ass sideways.

[29:52] She just keeps walking. [29:55] That means you’re annoying her. [29:57] That means she wants you to get off your rump and help her do something around the house. [30:03] And now it might not be a clothes basket. [30:06] It might be a vacuum cleaner. [30:08] It might be a dust buster.

[30:09] It might be just one of the random household appliances [30:13] that you bought her for her birthday over the years, [30:17] which by the way, she didn’t want them for her birthday. [30:20] She wanted something else. [30:22] So that’s where you started being annoying. [30:24] And then your absolute refusal to help her is how you furthered that annoyance.

[30:29] Stop being annoying. [30:31] It is literally a choice that you make. [30:35] You can choose today. [30:37] I will break the cycle of my annoyance.

[30:44] But it’s point in verse 14 is what is the optimal one to realize. [30:49] You can give someone a house. [30:51] A father can leave a house to his son or his daughter. [30:54] You can leave someone money, but a good marriage isn’t inherited.

[31:00] And you need to realize that takes effort. [31:03] Takes work. [31:05] Your parents can through wisdom lay the groundwork to prepare you for marriage. [31:11] But you have to willfully choose to be prepared. [31:14] You have to willfully choose to work at it. [31:17] I have to willfully choose to study and understand my wife.

[31:21] She has to willfully choose to study and understand me. [31:25] I have to know what the different looks on her face mean. [31:29] And it can be difficult. [31:31] I have two looks. [31:33] Blank and angry.

[31:36] It’s literally what’s going on all the time. [31:38] Either nothing or everything. [31:40] All right. [31:40] Those are the two speeds of Steve. [31:43] All right. [31:44] My wife, it’s like an encyclopedia.

[31:48] I have to know what those eyes mean. [31:50] And guess what? [31:51] 15 years. [31:52] I’m getting pretty good at it. [31:54] But you have to be willing to put in the effort to understand one another. [32:00] And here’s the deal.

[32:01] I have read so many books on marriage at this point, and they’re helpful. [32:04] Don’t get me wrong. [32:05] I love them. [32:06] But I think some of the stories they tell are just lies. [32:10] They’re all filled with these stories of I spent seven months with Trudy and Johnny. [32:14] And I don’t think Trudy and Johnny exist.

[32:18] Because there’s always this mathematical formula where, you know, I told her this, [32:23] I told him that, and they figured everything out. [32:26] Now they own a house in Tuscany and they’re millionaires, [32:29] and their marriage is better than it’s ever been in their life. [32:31] It’s not a mathematical formula. [32:33] You can get yourself real frustrated because you’ll do what you think the formula called for.

[32:38] And it won’t work because you didn’t invest in understanding what your wife needed [32:43] at a particular moment, at a particular time, with a particular need. [32:46] Or you use the mathematical formula as a wife and you’re like, well, [32:50] why didn’t he respond to this? [32:51] Because you didn’t pay attention to what his personality needed at this particular point, [32:56] at this particular time, with this particular issue,

[32:58] because you care more about yourself than you do your spouse. [33:01] You can try all the mathematical formulas under the sun. [33:04] And if you are not investing in getting to know your partner, [33:08] then you will not have a healthy marriage. [33:11] This isn’t math. [33:12] This is life.

[33:14] And you need to invest in it as wisely as you possibly can. [33:18] But note what he says, prudence, a prudent wife is from the Lord. [33:27] If you remember in week one, we said prudence means shrewdness. [33:32] And shrewdness is the ability for the non-obvious to become obvious. [33:38] See, by God’s grace, I should understand my wife more than anyone else in this earth. [33:43] I should be shrewd about her and vice versa.

[33:46] She should be shrewd about me.

[33:49] She should be shrewd that no matter what’s going on in my life, McDonald’s will fix it. [33:54] I’m a pretty simple man.

[33:58] She could bankrupt me and if she followed it with a double quarter pounder, [34:01] I’d be like, well, I guess we could fix it.

[34:08] Prudence is, it only happens when she’s in here. [34:10] Prudence is, prudence is developed by God in your life over time through learning and work. [34:20] And then you have to moment by moment choose to form a wise and healthy marriage relationship. [34:27] Do you know that marriage is about moment by moment? [34:31] Doesn’t matter what you did five years ago. [34:34] You say, oh, I did so much five years ago.

[34:36] Why isn’t that enough? [34:38] Because marriage lasts a lifetime, friend.

[34:41] Moment by moment investment over the long haul creates a healthy marriage. [34:47] You have to continually invest. [34:49] Number three this morning, marriage should make your life better.

[34:53] Marriage should make your life better. [34:54] Is that the vision you have for marriage? [34:56] Should be because that’s how God treats marriage in scripture. [34:59] That’s how the Proverbs treat marriage. [35:02] And because of that, marriage should be treated as an honor. [35:04] It’s the greatest honor I’ve ever had being married.

[35:07] What an honor. [35:08] Proverbs 31 10 says, an excellent wife who can find she is more precious than jewels. [35:15] You see, marriage should be treated with honor for the husband. [35:18] Proverbs 31 10 notes that finding a wife of excellence is more precious than jewels. [35:23] Now, again, I want you to understand that given the context, [35:27] I think that you could insert the word husband there for you, ladies.

[35:31] An excellent husband who can find. [35:33] You can’t do that everywhere in scripture, but in this instance, I think you can. [35:36] Because I think it’s interchangeable for what you’re looking for. [35:41] But note that it doesn’t just say a wife who can find more precious than jewels.

[35:50] Some of you think by virtue of standing in front of a pastor or a judge or however [35:56] your ceremony went and both of you saying I do and walking away. [36:01] Well, he’s obligated to think that I’m more precious than jewels. [36:04] Note the qualifier. [36:07] Excellent.

[36:09] Are you?

[36:11] You see, the text is telling you that if you wanted to be treated as excellent, [36:17] you need to be pursuing excellence. [36:20] Some of you were in the first two years of your marriage. [36:25] And you’ve given up. [36:27] He said, well, if he’s not going to be an excellent husband, [36:29] I guess I just won’t be an excellent wife.

[36:31] How’s that working out for you? [36:33] Is this tit for tat, this revenge, this avenging? [36:37] Is that creating a healthy marriage or is that just devolving continually?

[36:42] See, if you want to understand what it is like to have something more precious than jewels, [36:47] you need to understand what excellence looks like. [36:49] See, when he says in Proverbs 12, 4, an excellent wife is the crown of her husband. [36:57] You need to understand what a crown is. [36:58] So we don’t have this type of culture, but in a monarchy, [37:02] the crown represents the glory of a society.

[37:06] A crown represents the most honorable thing that that society has. [37:10] And so what he’s saying is, is that if you are an excellent wife, [37:14] you are the glory of your husband. [37:17] You are the thing that he treasures the most. [37:20] You are the thing that he points to and says, look at how good my life is. [37:24] Look at the blessing that God brought into my wife.

[37:27] Are you an excellent husband? [37:30] Can your wife point to you and say, look at the most excellent part of my life. [37:34] Look at the blessing that God brought into my life. [37:38] Is that the way that your wife feels about you because of you investing so much in her? [37:43] Is that the way your husband feels about you because of the amount that you invest in him? [37:47] See, for a marriage to work, you have to have two people that are committed to excellence.

[37:52] And you might not do a lot of things great in your life. [37:57] You might not be the type of person that people point to a whole bunch of things [38:00] and say, look at how awesome this person is. [38:03] Look at how awesome that person is. [38:04] But if there’s something that’s going to matter in your life and something that you need to commit [38:09] to be an expert about and something that you need to say, if I fail at everything else in my life,

[38:14] I’m going to be excellent at this thing. [38:18] It’s got to be marriage. [38:21] Because your marriage defines you in this life. [38:26] It is the most significant thing about you, but it’s not going to happen by accident.

[38:34] You have to prepare for it. [38:36] You have to work towards it. [38:37] The sad reality is that many treat marriage with contempt. [38:41] And I think there’s two ways of doing this. [38:44] To hear some talk about marriage makes it sound like a drudgery. [38:49] Really does.

[38:52] Do you talk about your marriage like it’s a drudgery? [38:55] Do you hold marriage in contempt?

[38:59] Do you walk around demeaning the marriage relationship, demeaning the institution of a marriage? [39:05] Do you treat it as if it’s no value? [39:07] Do you talk to people to a point where they would say, you know what, it sounds like he or she wishes [39:12] that they were single again.

[39:15] Friend, if that’s you, you fool. [39:17] You fool. [39:18] That’s just utter foolishness. [39:20] When you treat with contempt what God notes with excellence, you are not living a life of real life. [39:24] You are living a life of real faith. [39:26] If you continuously speak negatively about marriage, it does not make a statement about the institution.

[39:31] It makes a statement about you. [39:34] It makes a statement about your foolishness. [39:36] Now the second way to do this is how do you speak to your spouse?

[39:41] How do you speak to your spouse? [39:44] Are you disrespectful to your spouse? [39:46] Are you demeaning to your spouse? [39:49] Are you continually reminding them of everything that they’ve done wrong? [39:53] Are you continually reminding them of how disappointing they just are and how they’re meeting [39:58] none of your expectations?

[40:00] Friends, if you are continuously disrespectful to your spouse, you cannot expect to have a fulfilling marriage. [40:08] Husbands, if you are continually disrespectful to your wife, if you’re continually demeaning [40:13] to your wife, if you’re continually mean and rude to your wife, you can look in the mirror and say [40:20] how awesome your body still is, but if she won’t touch you, you need to know why.

[40:29] Wives, if you’re continually disrespectful to your husband, if you’re continually demeaning to him, [40:35] don’t wonder why hasn’t he taken me on a date night in six months?

[40:41] Because you’ve belittled him to the point where he doesn’t even want to eat a meal with you.

[40:47] Why are you investing negativity in expecting a positive outcome? [40:53] Why? You both share responsibility. You made an oath to God and to one another. [41:01] Now here’s the deal. You need to be a source of positive self-esteem for your spouse. They should [41:08] be more confident about themselves because of you, not less confident about themselves. [41:13] And so if you are demeaning them to the point where they have a negative self-view [41:17] because of you, how ashamed of yourself should you be?

[41:22] They should think better about themselves because of you, not worse about themselves because of you.

[41:30] Friends, marriage is a choice that you have to make and choices determine outcomes. So if [41:37] you’re choosing not to be a good spouse, you should not expect to have a good other spouse. [41:43] You should own your responsibility. Proverbs 21, 9. I can’t help but laugh at this verse. [41:52] Proverbs 21, 9 says this, it is better to live in a corner of a housetop than a house shared [41:58] with a quarrelsome wife. Now I laugh at it because every time I read it, I get this picture [42:03] of this broken down old man up on his roof setting up a tent just looking to heaven saying,

[42:09] God, I just got to get away. I just can’t take it. I’d rather sleep up here than with that woman. [42:16] And it says, I can’t help but get this picture. But then it gets worse in verse 19. He says, [42:20] it is better to live in a desert land than with a quarrelsome and fretful woman. [42:25] So now we got a picture of this broken man entering into the Sahara desert saying, [42:30] I don’t even need water. I got to get out of here.

[42:37] Again, it’s not just about the woman. It could also be about the man. But friend, [42:42] are you bringing joy into your spouse’s life or are you the greatest source of tension that [42:47] exists in their life? Inside of marriage, if that’s happening to you and you’re realizing [42:55] right here, you know what? I’m not acting with wisdom towards my spouse.

[43:02] Stop, turn around, go the other way. If you’re in here and you’re single,

[43:09] there’s a wealth of understanding how to order your steps so that you won’t become [43:17] a quarrelsome or fretful spouse. My prayer is that I am a source of joy for my wife. [43:25] And my prayer is that she will continue to be a source of joy for my life. [43:30] But friends, if you’ve begun to believe the lie that you are condemned to always have an unhappy [43:36] marriage, I want you to understand that the choice is yours. Choose today if you need to change [43:44] everything. Every Sunday we reflect on communion. It all starts right here with the gospel of Jesus

[43:51] Christ. This is the fear of the Lord on display. It’s the beginning of knowledge. [43:58] The bread represents the broken body of Christ. The cup represents his shed blood. Now I want to [44:04] be clear that when we eat and when we drink, we proclaim to everyone in this room that we are [44:08] followers of Jesus. So only do this if you are a follower of Jesus. But the fact is that when you [44:16] drink and you proclaim, I am basing my life, I am basing my identity in the gospel of Jesus [44:23] Christ, you are also making a statement that right here is the point where wisdom begins.

[44:31] And so when you eat and when you drink, I also want you to commit from where I am right now. [44:37] Yesterday’s gone. From where I am right now, I will build a life of wisdom. When you’re ready, come.