How To Raise Children.

Steve Gentry

[0:00] Welcome to Village Church. [0:01] If this is your first time here, my name’s Steve. [0:04] I’m one of the pastors here at Village Church. [0:06] And as always, I’m thankful and grateful to see each and every one of you this morning. [0:10] If you have your Bibles, go ahead and open them to Psalm one twenty seven. [0:15] We’re going to be starting in verse three this morning next week.

[0:19] We’re very excited. [0:20] We’re starting a new series going through the Book of Romans. [0:23] We’re titling it the story of Christianity. [0:26] It’ll be a series just that goes verse by verse to the entire Book of Romans [0:31] that will take us quite a while, but I think we can endure it. [0:35] It’ll be good.

[0:36] The Book of Romans is simply. [0:39] The start to finish of what the Christian life is all about. [0:44] Why we need salvation, why Jesus can save us, [0:50] how Jesus saves us and then what he wants us to do with our salvation. [0:55] And that’s the Book of Romans. [0:56] I truly believe that through this series, you will not only grow in your faith,

[1:00] you will not only learn how to study the scriptures for yourself, [1:04] but you will also learn just how amazing Jesus really is, [1:10] how amazing the gospel that he gives us through his great grace, [1:14] through his great power actually is in all of our lives. [1:19] And so please make every effort not just to be here, [1:21] but to bring friends and bring family to hear the gospel of Jesus

[1:26] as it’s preached every single week throughout that series. [1:29] And we will start in Chapter one next Sunday morning with Romans. [1:34] But throughout the past few weeks, we’ve been going through a series called Family. [1:38] Your mission starts here. [1:40] And we’ve been kind of taking a look at the family [1:42] through the lens of the great commandment that Jesus gave us.

[1:46] We can’t love our family unless we love God more than our family, [1:52] unless we serve him and have our family with us as we do that. [1:56] And if we’re following God, if we’re trusting in God, [1:59] if we’re loving God with all of our heart, with all of our soul [2:02] and with all of our mind, then we will necessarily love our family [2:07] because that’s what God does to us.

[2:09] He is love. [2:10] He is the source of everything that is good, everything that is wholesome, [2:15] everything that is loving finds its root in who God is. [2:20] And so as his love goes into our lives, we will not be able to help, [2:25] but to pour love into our families. [2:28] But it will be a better love than we could give them without God.

[2:31] Because if we do it without God, then the best that we’re going to give [2:35] is what we’ve got. [2:37] And every one of us knows deep down inside just how imperfect we actually are. [2:41] And if we’re imperfect, then our love at best is an imperfect love. [2:46] But our family needs more than imperfect love. [2:50] They need the perfect love that can only come from God through his son, Jesus.

[2:55] And that when we’re loving our family right, that is exactly what they will give. [3:00] And excuse me, that is exactly what they will get. [3:03] And we’ve talked about the husband leading [3:06] as Jesus leads in the wife showing what it is [3:10] to follow Jesus by loving her husband well and respecting him. [3:14] But today we’re going to talk about the final piece of the family, and that is children.

[3:19] There’s no other subject that everyone in the world thinks that they’re an expert on. [3:24] Yet everyone in the world will give you different advice [3:27] than how to raise children right on Monday. [3:31] You ask one person one question on Tuesday. [3:33] You ask another person the same question. [3:35] You’re sure to get two different answers that are the antithesis

[3:38] of the one that you got before as to how to raise your children. [3:42] And so the question is, how do you go through all of the advice, [3:46] all of the different books and all of the different thoughts [3:49] and philosophies on child rearing and get to what is [3:54] the way that God would have us raise our children? [3:57] I think oftentimes we fail and looking in the wrong places primarily.

[4:03] Because what we often do is we look to someone that’s, [4:07] you know, a self-help guru, or we immediately look to the latest bestseller [4:12] on how to raise children when at best all that we’re going to get [4:16] in those sources is secondhand information. [4:19] Not that good things can’t be gleaned from those sources. [4:21] They certainly can.

[4:23] But I don’t believe that those should be our primary sources. [4:25] Rather, I believe as in everything in life, we overcomplicate this [4:31] by not going to the primary source first, and that is God’s word.

[4:37] We don’t trust ourselves to understand it when what we’re actually saying [4:40] is we don’t trust the Holy Spirit to teach us the word. [4:45] And so my goal today is to look at what God has to say about children [4:49] and build a foundation as we’ve been building a foundation every single week [4:53] and how to raise children. [4:55] If at any point this morning, you find yourself having a question

[4:58] about anything that I say or you want me to go deeper into it, [5:01] feel free to send a text to the number that’ll be on the screen [5:04] throughout the morning sermon. [5:06] And I will get to those at the end of the sermon time with live Q&A. [5:10] But don’t wait until the end. [5:12] Get it in as soon as you can so that we can get through all of the questions.

[5:16] But I want to start by reading in Psalm one twenty seven, starting in verse three [5:20] to just build a foundation for how God would have us to see children. [5:25] In verse three, we read, behold, [5:27] children are a heritage from the Lord, [5:31] the fruit of the womb, a reward like arrows in the hand of a warrior [5:36] are the children of one’s youth.

[5:39] Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them. [5:41] He shall not be put to shame when he speaks with his enemies in the gate. [5:47] I want to start this morning just by making one simple statement [5:51] and then going from there. [5:52] The first point this morning is that children are a heritage [5:56] from the Lord.

[5:58] I want to take that directly from Psalm one twenty seven [6:01] to begin to do what I believe is to rewire the way that we view [6:06] our children, the way that we view ourselves in the lives of our children. [6:12] Children are a blessing.

[6:16] So the question that we have to ask coming off of that is, [6:19] how do you view your children? [6:22] Do they exist for you? [6:24] Or do they exist for God? [6:27] The answer to that question is vital [6:31] to the way that you will bring your children up in life.

[6:35] If they exist for you, then your motives are all about you. [6:41] Your reactions to them will be all about you. [6:46] And the direction you point them in will be all about you. [6:51] Their successes and their failures. [6:54] Will be a direct representation of you [6:59] and your world will flourish or be a disaster

[7:05] based on how they turn out. [7:09] Who is the pressure on? [7:11] In that scenario, I know many of you may be tempted to say, [7:14] well, the pressure is all on me as the parent. [7:17] No, it’s not. [7:19] And that scenario, the pressure is 100 percent on the child.

[7:24] And it’s too much for them to carry.

[7:29] Your children do not exist for you. [7:35] Your children exist for God. [7:38] That is the only way you can view them as a blessing. [7:42] Because remember, blessings are not something that you primarily build. [7:47] Rather, blessings are things that are given by the grace of God. [7:53] That is how God wants you to view your children

[7:56] and everything about raising children then will primarily be [8:00] first and foremost about God. [8:03] Know what is said in Psalm 127 when he says that children are a heritage [8:07] from the Lord, that term heritage means a divine responsibility [8:12] that we’ve been given as an occupation from God. [8:17] It is a vocation in the original Hebrew.

[8:20] It is something that you are to steward. [8:23] It is something that is not primarily about you, [8:25] but rather it is something that God is saying, I’m giving this to you [8:29] for you to point in the right direction, for you to steward [8:33] in the right direction, for you to cultivate in the right direction, [8:37] for you to bring up in the care and nurture that you are receiving from God.

[8:44] And so everything that you receive from God is to be poured out [8:48] into this life that God has given you to cultivate. [8:53] The occupation is to raise children in light [8:56] of the one from whom the task has been given.

[9:01] See, frankly, we need to rewire our brains in the way that we think about our kids.

[9:07] First, I want to begin by taking a look back at that great commandment [9:11] that we’ve been looking at in Matthew, Chapter 22.

[9:15] Understand that when we are frustrated because, oh, raising children, [9:20] there’s just not that much direction in the scriptures. [9:23] I think it’s because we’re looking past something that’s very obvious. [9:27] It’s that the fact that when you’re loving God, [9:30] God says that will directly lead to the second commandment [9:32] that you will love your neighbor as yourself.

[9:35] Well, understand, friends, children are your neighbors.

[9:40] That life that you’re cultivating, [9:44] is a primary neighbor that will be in your life, frankly, more than any other neighbor. [9:50] It’s every command that God has given you about how to treat others, [9:55] about how to love others, about how to be kind to others, [10:00] about how to forgive others, about how to preach the gospel to others, [10:05] about how to disciple one another, goes into the life of that child.

[10:13] That’s why I look with great frustration [10:17] when I see or hear a parent make a statement, [10:19] I can’t wait to get this child out of my house.

[10:24] I can’t wait to have me time.

[10:29] Friend, you have no idea what you’re actually saying.

[10:33] Friend, that child is your neighbor.

[10:37] Sometimes we as parents are tempted to say things about our children [10:41] that we would never say about a friend.

[10:46] And frankly, the apostle Paul would say that is to our shame. [10:50] It’s not to our betterment that we view children as obstacles rather than blessings. [10:56] We view children as roadblocks to our dreams and goals [10:59] when Jesus wants to replace our dreams and goals with the heritage that he’s given us. [11:05] Much of the frustration and anger that you deal with in parenthood [11:08] actually has nothing to do with your children.

[11:11] And it has everything to do with a false view that you have of yourself. [11:16] In every moment of parenthood, you need to take inventory of this question. [11:21] Am I believing the gospel right now with how I’m viewing my children? [11:25] Am I believing the gospel right now with how I’m treating my children? [11:30] Am I believing the gospel right now in this moment [11:35] with how I’m viewing, with how I’m believing,

[11:39] with how I’m dreaming and envisioning my life?

[11:45] Because when we ask that question and we view that question in light of all that God has told us in Scripture, [11:50] I truly believe it will revolutionize our lives. [11:53] I truly believe that question alone is enough to revolutionize your relationship with your spouse [12:00] and then through that the relationship that you have with your children. [12:05] Because when you believe the gospel, you believe what Jesus says. [12:08] You believe what God has to say.

[12:10] And when you look at a verse like Psalm 127, you will begin to look at it and say, [12:15] if I disagree with that, it is not because I’m right, it’s because God is right and I’m wrong. [12:22] Deep repentance will have to come and only then can we embrace the role of truly shepherding our children. [12:29] Number two, this morning, understand that your children need you to shepherd them.

[12:37] Take joy in the shepherding life that God has given you. [12:43] Look in verse four of Psalm 127. [12:46] Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one’s youth. [12:53] It’s interesting, author and pastor Doug Wilson points out in this text that [12:57] what we would see where children are a heritage from the Lord, [13:00] we would really expect there to be some sort of adorable little cleavage of the Lord.

[13:04] And then there’s the holy shea after that of cutesy child rearing. [13:08] And instead the psalmist begins to talk about war. [13:11] And some of you are like, yeah, come to my house. [13:14] That analogy will fit.

[13:16] But understand that I think Paul’s point here about the arrows in the hand of a warrior [13:22] and then in verse five he’s going to use that he wants a quiver of full. [13:26] It’s this idea that a warrior is not just haplessly going through the woods, [13:31] picking up every stick that he can find and throwing it in his quiver. [13:35] Because if he does that, his war will not last very long [13:38] because his arrows will not hit anything that he intends it to.

[13:42] But rather what a warrior is going to do is he’s going to take a stick [13:46] and he’s going to get the straightest one he can, but then he’s not done.

[13:51] Then he must cultivate it. [13:53] He’ll probably warm it over a fire, wet it down, straighten that stick out. [13:58] Then he’ll take a knife and he’ll begin to carve out the knots. [14:03] And he’ll begin to refine it. [14:05] And he’ll begin to sand it down with a stone. [14:07] And then he will put a point on the end before it ever goes into battle.

[14:12] Because he needs to be prepared for what is in front of him. [14:17] And that’s why he uses this analogy. [14:19] I believe that sometimes we get so frustrated with our children [14:22] because they have the audacity to need to be parented.

[14:30] You are not dealing with a human that has any idea what he’s doing [14:37] when you’re dealing with a child.

[14:40] You’re dealing with a blank canvas.

[14:44] You’re dealing with that stick that while it’s better than the other sticks around [14:49] because you know, it’s your child so it’s the best.

[14:54] There’s going to be years of refining. [14:57] There’s going to be years of smoothing. [15:00] There’s going to be years where those knots will become more obvious [15:03] than they were before and the tough work, sanding at the tough work [15:07] of cutting that knot out, is going to fall on your shoulder.

[15:13] But it’s a glorious work. [15:15] And it’s glorious because it’s the work that God has given to you to do. [15:20] Understand that when we view our children and all that we have [15:23] are these adorable little lumps.

[15:28] They’re not meant to stay that way.

[15:33] You’re not raising an adorable little lump.

[15:38] You’re literally raising an adult.

[15:43] And that’s how you need to view your children. [15:46] That this child will one day go into the bow.

[15:54] And it will be released into life.

[15:57] And you need to straighten that arrow out as much as you possibly can [16:01] for that moment when you release the child. [16:04] I remember a conversation. [16:06] My brain does not work the same way my wife’s does sometimes.

[16:12] And as our son was getting a little older, our first born, he started growing up [16:16] and he goes to a big boy bed, you know, you’ve got to buy him new clothes [16:19] because he won’t stop eating and growing and costing money and all these things [16:23] and my wife says, oh, he’s growing up so fast. [16:27] What are we going to do? [16:29] I just looked at her in my logic and I said, well, the opposite of that

[16:35] would be that he stays that way and he never leaves.

[16:40] I think that would be a disability, dear. [16:43] And so we want him to grow. [16:45] That’s good. [16:46] That’s healthy. [16:47] And she just looked at me and she said, you don’t understand anything, do you?

[16:53] I said, probably not.

[16:57] But here’s the reality that I didn’t get across very well [17:00] because I rarely do. [17:02] I don’t know how to say much. [17:05] Is that when you view your child, understand that in fewer years than you realize [17:10] because time goes by so fast, you will have someone that can make their own choices. [17:19] Someone that will make decisions for themselves.

[17:22] Someone that will spend money. [17:24] Someone that will buy a possession. [17:26] Someone that will take a husband or wife. [17:28] Someone that will raise children of their very own. [17:32] Someone that will not be with you as much as they are right now. [17:37] Understand that that’s what you’re raising.

[17:40] That’s your goal.

[17:42] And you must treat it that way. [17:44] And that’s why you must embrace and take joy in the role of being a child. [17:52] And you must be a shepherd. [17:53] You’re guiding this child through life. [17:57] What a glorious responsibility that is. [18:00] But understand that it is a responsibility that will take all of your time.

[18:08] All of it. [18:10] Get rid of your hobbies. [18:12] They’re over.

[18:14] Your child will need you in his or her life. [18:20] And you should take joy in that. [18:22] Because it’s a heritage from the Lord. [18:25] You know, Luke 2.52 is one of my favorite passages about Jesus. [18:30] And it’s about his childhood. [18:33] It says,

[18:33] And Jesus increased in wisdom and in stature and in favor with God and man. [18:40] So we have this picture of, at this point, it’s 12 year old Jesus [18:45] and then it just kind of hits fast forward through the rest of his adolescence. [18:49] And it tells us four things about the God-man, Jesus Christ. [18:54] About the Savior of the world. [18:55] About the one who spoke the world into existence.

[18:58] That the Father sent him in such a way that he needed to develop in the same way that we do. [19:06] The Father sent the perfect one in such a way that he needed to grow up.

[19:16] That he had to gain wisdom. [19:18] That he had to physically develop. [19:22] That he grew in favor with God and also with other men.

[19:31] And did you know that there’s a lot of subtext to that verse? [19:36] Here’s what I love about it. [19:38] He gave two people, human beings, that weren’t God incarnate.

[19:47] The responsibility to shepherd him through that. [19:53] I like to look at that verse through the perspective of Joseph and Mary.

[19:58] And realize that the very one who would save the world needed development. [20:08] Needed shepherding. [20:11] What a responsibility! [20:14] To shepherd God the Son in this life. [20:20] And if Jesus needed that help. [20:24] Imagine what your kids need.

[20:28] Because they ain’t Jesus. [20:30] As much as you may think they are, they’re not.

[20:34] So if Jesus needed that type of help.

[20:39] And God looks to Mary and Joseph and sends angels. [20:44] Tells them of the miracle. [20:45] Tells them of the joy. [20:46] Tells them of the blessing.

[20:50] Imagine the responsibility that you shoulder. [20:53] With your children. [20:55] And it is divine.

[20:57] It is not an opt in or out. [21:00] It’s God’s design. [21:01] And so when we opt out, we’re in rebellion against God. [21:05] Third this morning, in light of that, understand that we need to talk about the way that we shepherd. [21:13] Parenting is about heart formation. [21:16] Not behavior modification.

[21:20] Let me say that again. [21:21] Parenting is about heart formation. [21:25] It is not about behavior modification. [21:29] We’ve all been there. [21:31] And we’ll do whatever it takes. [21:33] We will threaten.

[21:36] We will bribe.

[21:39] We will guilt. [21:42] We’ll do whatever it takes to get them to eat stupid carrots.

[21:49] So before I get into this part, here’s what I want to be honest with everyone about. [21:54] Full disclosure.

[21:57] We’re all guilty.

[22:00] I’m guilty. [22:02] Of just saying, if I could just get them to obey, I’m done. [22:07] I can go to bed. [22:10] But you know that’s not what the heart of parenting is all about.

[22:16] Parenting is not just about getting them to do this, not that. [22:21] Getting them to obey here, not disobey you there. [22:26] Parenting is about far more than that. [22:31] A practical goal of parenting is found in verse 5. [22:35] Look in Psalm 127. [22:38] Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them.

[22:42] He shall not be put to shame. [22:46] Okay. [22:47] I’m going to pause right there in the verse. [22:49] And say that if the man, if the warrior just ran through the woods, [22:53] grabbed a bunch of tree limbs, threw him in the quiver, [22:55] he would be put to shame immediately.

[22:58] Because he would not be a good warrior.

[23:01] But he won’t be put to shame if he fills his quiver with the right ammo. [23:06] If he fills his quiver with straight arrows. [23:09] Because he understands his goal. [23:11] He understands his outcome. [23:13] His outcome is to release those arrows into the battlefield of life.

[23:20] And so is your goal. [23:21] And you can’t get there just by behavior modification. [23:28] You know that discipline is ultimately about love. [23:32] And to discipline in love and to discipline for heart formation, [23:37] you must first check your heart. [23:40] Look in Luke chapter 6 starting in verse 43.

[23:45] For no good tree bears bad fruit, nor again does a bad tree bear good fruit. [23:51] For each tree is known by its own fruit. [23:55] For figs are not gathered from thorn bushes, nor are grapes picked from a bramble bush. [24:01] The good person, out of the good treasure of his heart, produces good. [24:06] And the evil person, out of his evil treasure, produces evil. [24:10] For out of the abundance of the heart, his mouth speaks.

[24:15] The truth of who a person is can be seen in the actions. [24:19] But the fruit of those actions does not come just from the actions. [24:27] Do you know if you have a tree and it’s producing nothing but rotten, hard fruit that you can’t eat? [24:34] I mean it’s inevitable. [24:35] It’s nothing but something to throw at somebody that you’re mad at. [24:38] I mean it’s worthless fruit.

[24:40] Do you know that the answer is not found in the leaf?

[24:46] You can’t just take all the bad apples off and tape or nail good apples onto the limbs and have the problem solved. [24:53] No. In order to do that you’ve got just a couple of things that you can do. [24:57] You’ve got to go deep into the wood. [25:01] Probably. You’ve got to go further than that. [25:04] You’ve got to go down into the ground. [25:06] You’ve got to get to the roots.

[25:08] You’ve got to get to the parts of the tree that the eye can never see [25:13] in order to get to the problem. [25:17] And the same is true of you and then by default the same is true of your children.

[25:25] You’re not dealing just with actions.

[25:30] You’re not just dealing with choices.

[25:35] You’re dealing with heart formation. [25:38] The pathway to who a person really is and to why they do what they do [25:43] is down inside of the heart. [25:47] Whatever proceeds in our actions finds its source there. [25:51] Because the Bible presents human beings as two pieces. [25:56] The outer man.

[25:57] That’s what you see. [25:59] That’s our physical body. [26:01] Those are the things that you see going on on the outside. [26:04] But the Bible also presents that each and every one of us have an inner man. [26:09] That’s our mind. [26:10] That’s our will.

[26:11] That’s our emotions. [26:13] That’s our soul. [26:16] The inner man is frequently referred to and it’s referred to in Luke chapter 6 as the heart. [26:23] Your child needs more than just changes in behavior. [26:26] Your child needs a change of heart. [26:29] Most of our disciplinary methods though only deal with the outer man.

[26:35] It never impacts the inner man. [26:38] There are two necessary things here. [26:42] The first one is going to start with you. [26:44] Why are you the way you are? [26:47] A parent that is not taking inventory of his heart. [26:51] Whereas the causing of your actions, your reactions and your emotions

[26:57] cannot hope to help someone else to form his or her heart. [27:03] This is why discipleship is key in your life, mom and dad. [27:08] But this requires real discipline. [27:12] Secondly, it goes to your child.

[27:15] What you want is quick change. [27:19] What you want is a child that’s like a microwave dinner. [27:22] In four minutes or less you’ve had the full house hug. [27:26] Attitudes have changed, tears have stopped. [27:29] They love you again, they’re very sorry for what they did. [27:32] And then you can move on with the rest of your day.

[27:35] That is not life. [27:38] That is not going to happen. [27:40] If it does, you better look out. [27:42] They’ve tricked you. [27:45] They have set a trap.

[27:49] They’re going to get you. [27:50] They will. [27:52] Even from young age they’re tricky. [27:55] What you need to understand is that lasting change in a human always takes time. [28:01] That’s why discipline takes two things. [28:03] It takes communication and it takes correction.

[28:09] To get to the root you have to dig. [28:14] It takes time, it takes careful preparation, and it takes insight. [28:20] Something that we struggle to take the time to get. [28:24] Something that we struggle to saturate our lives with when we need to know God’s word. [28:27] Something that we struggle to take the time with when a relationship doesn’t just form overnight and changes don’t happen instantaneously.

[28:36] You want insight to your child’s life. [28:39] But you want more than that for real change to happen. [28:43] You need your child to grow into gaining insight into his or her own life. [28:52] You can’t be content with just regulating, managing, and controlling behavior.

[28:59] If that’s all there is, then once they leave your house and your reign is over, everything that was regulating, everything that was managing, and everything that was controlling them is gone. [29:13] Then they’re left with nothing. [29:16] You don’t want that. [29:18] You need to engage them on the heart level. [29:21] That’s what you need to do. [29:21] That’s why time and good communication from early childhood is so important.

[29:26] Let me ask you a question. Do you talk with your child?

[29:30] I mean, really talk. [29:33] I mean, have conversations. [29:35] I mean, sit down with them. [29:37] Take them out for dessert or dinner if they’re in the mood to eat dinner before they get to dessert.

[29:48] Do you talk to them? [29:49] Do you engage them? [29:52] That’s the only way you’ll ever shepherd a heart. [29:57] Did you know that quality time only comes through quantity time? [30:04] You can’t schedule heart conversations.

[30:08] It takes time. [30:09] It takes investment. [30:12] It takes sitting down for two years, Bible open, having devotions for your child. [30:19] Just remember, Jesus is the answer always. [30:24] It takes investment. [30:26] It takes heart.

[30:28] It takes love. [30:30] It takes encouragement.

[30:32] It takes reinforcement over and over and over and over. [30:38] It takes a lot of I love yous.

[30:41] Just a few weeks ago, one thing that I’ve always done with my son for the past few years, [30:49] is I’ve always watched, and how do I get him to know that I will always, always, always be there for him? [30:56] That there’s never a moment, no matter what he does, no matter what he finds himself in the middle of, [31:01] because I remember what I’ve done, what I’ve found myself in the middle of, [31:06] that I will always be there for him. [31:08] And I’m always the place he can come.

[31:11] So I just started telling him a few years ago, [31:13] you will always be my son. [31:18] And I will always be your father. [31:20] No matter what.

[31:22] And a few weeks ago, he looks up to me. [31:25] Out of the blue. [31:26] This is what happens, out of the blue. [31:27] That’s why you can’t schedule it. [31:29] It’s out of nowhere. [31:30] There’s something wrong with him.

[31:34] He says, Daddy, did you know that you will always be my father?

[31:42] And I said, you are right. [31:45] And you will always be my son. [31:48] He said, yep.

[31:52] But you see, that didn’t come because I said it once. [31:56] And then walked away. [31:58] Just constantly, continuously. [32:02] Son, I love you. [32:04] I’ll always be your father. [32:05] No matter what.

[32:08] You need to communicate with your children. [32:13] Over-communicate with your children. [32:16] Spend time loving your children. [32:18] You want your child to gain insight into his or her life. [32:23] And the only way for that to happen is if you give them insight into your heart. [32:30] And into your life.

[32:31] And I think maybe that’s what we’re afraid of. [32:34] Secondly, it’s not just about communication. [32:37] It is also about correction.

[32:40] Proverbs 23 is a very important text. [32:43] Where this is concerned. [32:44] Hold on for a second. [32:46] Do not withhold discipline from a child. [32:50] If you strike him with a rod, he will not die. [32:54] If you strike him with a rod, he will save his soul from Sheol.

[32:57] My son, if your heart is wise, my heart too will be glad. [33:02] My inmost being will exult when your lips speak what is right. [33:06] Let not your heart envy sinners, but continue in the fear of the Lord all the day. [33:12] Surely, there is a future. [33:15] And your hope will not be cut off. [33:19] You see, usually when we read that text, it’s for a polarizing reason.

[33:22] And we stop after the rod part.

[33:28] But he continues the thought from discipline into love and communication as to the reason for the discipline. [33:38] You see, we’re usually in one of two camps. [33:40] Either we really will take the rod out, buddy. [33:45] And they’ll get it. [33:47] But half the time they have no idea why they’re getting it. [33:51] Or we spare the rod.

[33:54] And we think we can just talk them. [33:56] And the being good. [33:58] Neither of those will work.

[34:02] You cannot have communication without correction.

[34:08] And you cannot have correction without communication. [34:12] There is no love without the rod. [34:16] And there should be no rod without the love.

[34:20] Your children will need both. [34:22] Physical punishment is biblical. [34:26] Spanking is good, corrective discipline. [34:30] If it is accompanied by loving communication and relationship. [34:36] Abuse is sin.

[34:40] You be clear on that. [34:41] Abuse is sin. [34:44] Here’s the key. [34:46] I’ll lay the key down for you. [34:47] The difference. [34:47] Do not spank your child out of anger.

[34:55] Frustration.

[34:57] Resentment. [34:58] Or just to prove a point. [35:02] That is unhelpful. [35:04] At best. [35:06] And abuse at worst. [35:08] You will not change your child through venting.

[35:12] It won’t happen through yelling or spanking. [35:19] Often times. [35:21] When we yell. [35:23] When we scream. [35:24] And when we spank. [35:25] We are doing nothing more than pitching a fit ourselves.

[35:30] So do not be surprised when their fit gets worse. [35:34] Just when yours elevates. [35:37] You don’t fix a fit with a fit.

[35:41] Here’s the key. [35:42] Who’s the shepherd? [35:44] The shepherd should not be throwing a fit.

[35:49] If you are. [35:50] Then the sheep has no hope of never learning to not throw a fit.

[35:58] It is good, corrective discipline. [36:00] But here’s the question you have to answer. [36:01] Can you pray with your child after you have punished them?

[36:07] Can you do it with a clear conscience? [36:11] Does your punishment point them to the hope of a future that won’t be cut off? [36:17] Or is it just threatening and then over?

[36:21] So what does he do in Proverbs 23? [36:24] He disciplines. [36:26] And it sounds like it didn’t feel good. [36:28] The way that he did discipline.

[36:31] But what does he do? [36:32] He then instructs the heart.

[36:38] He says, son. [36:40] I want you to be wise. [36:42] Son. [36:44] I’ll have a glad heart.

[36:47] When wisdom is imparted on to you. [36:50] Don’t envy sinners.

[36:54] Fear the Lord. [36:57] Because this is not the end. [36:58] There’s a future with a hope. [37:01] What is the hope? [37:02] The hope is correction. [37:05] Do you know that communication is also part of correction?

[37:12] You know the correction part when we talk about spanking, [37:15] that’s kind of a sensitive subject, [37:16] but understand that spanking is useful simply for the reason that it reminds us of the pain of sin. [37:22] I believe that. [37:24] And I believe that pain is helpful. [37:27] I believe it’s necessary.

[37:30] And I believe that it’s necessary and I believe that it’s loving so long as it is followed by and supported with the help of God. [37:39] And you cannot convince me that God is wrong here. [37:42] God says this.

[37:46] But here’s the key.

[37:49] Through spanking, does your child understand the purpose? [37:53] And I think they can understand this from a young age. [37:55] Because at four I’m having these conversations with my son. [38:00] And he’s beginning to understand. [38:01] Now this is not going to bring you the best kid by tomorrow. [38:06] That doesn’t exist.

[38:08] All right. [38:08] It’s going to take time and you’re going to have a lot of conversations. [38:13] But Paul Tripp, a counselor and pastor, [38:16] he gives us five questions to engage our children with as we’re correcting them. [38:21] And I think these questions will be very helpful for you in raising your children. [38:27] When you find your children in a scenario where they’re just outright disobeying you, outright hurting someone, just they’re sinning, buddy.

[38:35] Engage them with these questions. [38:38] Don’t just say, why did you do that? [38:40] Because they’re probably being honest when they say, I don’t know. [38:44] Because remember, they don’t know how to be an adult. [38:47] They don’t have insight into your life. [38:50] So you need to teach them insight.

[38:53] You need to teach them how. [38:55] You cannot just do something and walk away and say, oh, they’ll get it. [38:59] No, they won’t.

[39:02] Number one, what was going on?

[39:07] What was going on?

[39:11] All you’re hoping to get there is the story.

[39:15] Number two, what were you thinking and feeling? [39:20] What were you feeling as it happened?

[39:24] You’ll probably get, I was mad.

[39:28] But that’s the thoughts of the heart that you’re getting. [39:33] What were you thinking and feeling as it was happening? [39:37] Number three, what did you do in response? [39:41] There’s the action. [39:43] Well, I hit him. [39:46] Or I lied.

[39:48] Or I threw it.

[39:51] And it only gets worse from there. [39:53] But we’ve all been there.

[39:57] Number four, why did you do it? [40:02] What were you seeking to accomplish?

[40:05] You see, that’s the motive. [40:07] Why did you do it? [40:09] What were you hoping to accomplish? [40:12] I was trying to get the toy.

[40:14] I was trying to hurt him.

[40:18] So that goes down to the motive. [40:20] And finally, number five, what was the result?

[40:26] Now you’re down to consequences.

[40:29] Even if it’s like, well, now I’m in trouble.

[40:35] You see, you’re going to have to do that over and over and over.

[40:41] Here’s the hope. [40:42] The hope is that there comes a day when you walk in and they just answer those five questions.

[40:52] Because they know what’s coming. [40:55] Now the hope is that one day, as they grow, they’ll understand what’s actually going on inside of them. [41:07] You know, that’s how we all deal with life. [41:10] That’s how we all take inventory of our hearts. [41:14] Why am I so mad?

[41:17] Why did I do that?

[41:21] So that’s how you shepherd the life. [41:24] You make them understand the correction.

[41:28] Punishment reminds us that sin has consequences, but sin is never the fix.

[41:35] Communicate with your child. [41:38] Correct your child. [41:39] But always, always, always love your child. [41:44] See, because finally this morning, understand that raising kids is about discipleship.

[41:50] You know, we overcomplicate everything.

[41:54] Just like everything else is about discipleship, so is raising a child. [41:58] Your child will never prove your worth in this life. [42:02] Stop expecting them to. [42:04] Jesus does that.

[42:08] On the other side, the absence of that child will never help you reach your goals and dreams. [42:15] Jesus wants to replace your goals and dreams. [42:18] The thing, the answer is to get rid of your children. [42:21] You know, Ephesians 6 closes Paul’s section on the family, and I just very quickly, as we close, want to read through that.

[42:28] Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. [42:32] Honor your father and mother. [42:34] This is the first commandment with a promise, that it may go well with you, and that you may live long in the land. [42:41] Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up with discipline and instruction in the Lord. [42:48] The only way to do this as a disciplinarian is through loving relationship, in which you are communicating the gospel to your children through word and deed. [43:00] It’s about reconciliation.

[43:03] The stakes are just higher and closer to your heart than it is with other people.

[43:09] The text doesn’t set an expiration date on life, but gives a general rule. [43:15] When children are parented well, it will go better for them.

[43:21] If you lead your children to Jesus, and educate them in the instruction of the gospel above everything, then the return will be the glory of God. [43:30] If you trust Jesus to save your soul, stop playing by every whim that culture will lay down for you. [43:36] Lead your children to Jesus. [43:38] Focus on that. [43:40] Commit them to discipleship. [43:42] They do not need anything to come before that.

[43:45] You will be tempted to commit them to places that will hinder discipleship. [43:49] That will be a sin on your life, and don’t do it. [43:52] You will be tempted to commit yourself away from them. [43:54] Don’t do that either. [43:56] Commit yourself to following Jesus. [43:58] Commit your children to following Jesus.

[44:02] Then you release straight arrows.

[44:05] There comes that terrifying day when they can come and go and you have no say.

[44:14] When they are across the country, and you don’t even know what time they got up this morning. [44:19] You don’t know if they made their bed.

[44:25] But the hope starts very young. [44:30] The hope starts before they are even born. [44:35] The hope starts with you and Jesus.

[44:41] And then through Jesus, how you view that child.

[44:46] And then through Jesus, how you lead that child.

[44:51] And then through Jesus, how you love that child.

[44:55] You are seeing a trend here. [44:57] It’s all about. [45:00] Jesus.

[45:02] It’s always about Jesus.

[45:07] As a musician comes, as we close.

[45:12] Parenthood is terrifying.

[45:15] We have no idea what we are doing half the time.

[45:19] And that’s why I am so thankful we have a great God and King. [45:23] Who makes up for every failure I have ever had. [45:26] We have a great God and King. [45:28] When I don’t know what I am doing, he knows the future of what I will do. [45:33] And I can trust him with that. [45:36] And the reason I can trust him with that is because of the cross.

[45:40] And this morning as we reflect on the life that Jesus has given us. [45:45] Through his broken body and his shed blood. [45:47] I want to just take a moment. Right here. [45:51] For us to not just say we are struggling. [45:55] Oh this is hard. [45:57] Rather for us to say Jesus you are enough.

[46:01] Jesus you will guide me.

[46:05] And I will follow.

[46:08] Jesus has a glorious life for each and every one of you this morning. [46:11] Whether you are a parent, whether you are not a parent, whether you are going to be a parent. [46:15] But remember the hope of everyone around you. [46:19] Is never found further away. [46:23] Than the cross of Jesus Christ. [46:26] When you start there, you can get to everything else.

[46:31] So this morning out of all that I have said. [46:34] Hear this.

[46:38] Take your life to Jesus. [46:40] And then give him the rest of your steps.

[46:47] When you are ready. [46:49] Saturday September 27th at 9am. [46:52] We are going to have a seminar on Biblical parenting. [46:57] Those will be the presenters. [46:59] JD Greer and his wife will be leading some video sessions. [47:03] That we are going to show that day and facilitate some discussion.

[47:06] We are very excited to take you through some more practical application. [47:12] Of what we talked about this morning. [47:14] So I want to invite you to go on the city and register. [47:18] For that event that is coming up in just a few weeks. [47:21] I believe it will be very beneficial. No matter the age of your children.

[47:27] For training and instructing and discipling them. [47:30] There will be some great break out discussion that we are going to have facilitated that day as well. [47:34] Please sign up for that. Make every effort to be here on Saturday September 27th. [47:41] Right now we are going to do a time of question and answer. [47:43] Something a little bit different we have been doing through this series. [47:46] We will go back to worship at the end of the services starting with Romans next week.

[47:50] I also want to call the ushers forward for our time of giving. [47:53] That is something we do who call village home as part of our worship. [47:57] If you are our guest with us please don’t feel obligated to participate with that. [48:01] We will jump right into it here. I’m going to start with the good ones. [48:06] Thank you again as always for all your questions.

[48:11] As always email us if we don’t get to you. [48:14] It was just because we couldn’t get to them all. [48:16] The question came in and it is kind of a three parter but they all go together.

[48:21] Do we have to spank as a part of discipline? [48:24] Are there kids who don’t respond well to spanking? [48:27] What is the place of other forms of discipline?

[48:35] It is tough for me to see a child that doesn’t need to be spanked. [48:44] I have not met them.

[48:47] I believe that God is giving us a good guidance here in wisdom. [48:54] I knew I was going to get some questions about this one but it is okay. [48:59] When it comes to spanking, here is the key. [49:02] What you are doing is reinforcing the biblical point of the pain of sin. [49:09] You are not attempting to hurt anyone.

[49:13] I don’t know of a way in which to give that reality apart from spanking. [49:20] If you are a parent that doesn’t want to spank your child, [49:23] that is good.

[49:26] That is a good thing. [49:28] If you do, something is wrong with you and you need to repent. [49:34] If you are taking joy out of it, [49:36] we have some hard issues that I want to work through with you.

[49:42] You don’t understand the whole phrase, [49:45] this hurts me more than it hurts you until you have kids. [49:47] Then it is like, oh, I get it. [49:50] You do.

[49:54] I would probably have to have a conversation with you about this. [49:57] What forms of discipline and punishment are you using? [50:01] How is it instilling the truth of sin and the consequences of sin into your child’s life? [50:08] I think pain is very necessary for that. [50:12] Is there a place for other forms of discipline? [50:17] Some don’t require a painful consequence like that.

[50:22] Some are just saying you are sorry.

[50:27] You need to go sit on your bed until you are done crying. [50:30] As the child gets older, I remember the last spanking I ever got, [50:34] it was because it stopped hurting. [50:36] I grew to this.

[50:40] This happened. [50:42] The power was not enough. [50:45] There wasn’t enough torque to hurt me anymore.

[50:51] That ceased for me, but that is also part of growing up. [50:55] There comes a day where that type of reminder is no longer needed. [50:59] Something else is more effective as well. [51:01] The problem is through threatening, [51:04] through manipulation, through other things, [51:07] sometimes we are treating them bad lessons as you can exchange this for sin.

[51:13] If you want to do something wrong, here is how. [51:16] I think that is why spanking is so effective.

[51:20] Can you clarify from the verse what the rod is? [51:24] In the Old Testament, it was a stick.

[51:28] On old farms, it was the switch. [51:32] In my house, it was a paddle and a belt. [51:35] That is the idea. Does it have to be something like that? [51:39] No. I don’t think the application there is a specific thing [51:43] that we are going to start marketing at Lifeway or anything. [51:46] The rod, 1999.

[51:53] Your hand can be sufficient as well. [51:57] Can spanking lead to abuse? [51:59] Absolutely, it can. [52:00] That is why the preface with everything is godliness. [52:05] The preface with everything is believing the gospel.

[52:09] Here is the key. Every mom and dad in here needs to grasp. [52:12] Every future mom and dad needs to grasp. You are a sinner.

[52:16] You are a sinner. You can take things too far because you are a sinner. [52:22] You need to constantly have that mindset. [52:24] Constantly be repenting of your sin. Constantly be realizing the truth [52:28] about yourself. It is the only way you will ever be any help for your child. [52:32] Number two, that will keep you from a great deal of erroneous actions.

[52:38] The key is to filter everything through the gospel. [52:41] I did not come up with it. I forget where I heard it. [52:43] The reality is that if you can sit down and pray with your child after you have punished them, [52:49] then I think that is a good indicator. That probably won’t work on a psychopath or sociopath. [52:53] That is a conversation for a different day. [52:56] But if you have a conscience, that is the reality.

[53:00] Why are you doing what you are doing? Ask yourself that question.

[53:06] What advice would you give to a parent who seems like everything they try to do with punishment provokes their child to anger?

[53:17] A lot of children that I have seen struggling with anger, it is one of two things. [53:22] Number one, it is that they are not understanding the discipline. [53:27] The conversations are usually not happening. [53:29] It is a communication thing a lot of times. [53:32] You will do something in the morning and you won’t discipline them until that night.

[53:40] They have long forgotten what happened. [53:45] There needs to be this constant communication piece going on. [53:48] There is a lack of understanding. [53:50] Number two, it is when punishment and discipline are not a constant. [53:58] Discipline is not a constant. [53:59] In other words, if you are letting tons of things slide and you get them after the one thing,

[54:07] they are like, where is the consistency here? [54:10] I would get frustrated at that. [54:14] Always ask yourself, does my discipline seem consistent? [54:18] Does my discipline make sense? [54:20] Do they understand the road that I am trying to take them down? [54:23] When you go past those things to certain personality or mental disabilities,

[54:33] or your mental deficiencies, not deficiency, I don’t want to say that. [54:36] What I would rather say is your ADHD, your ADD, some of the clinical problems that may be happening in the chemistry of your child’s brain, [54:43] then it is going to be more complicated for you in those scenarios. [54:49] I want to be honest about that with you. [54:50] It is not a one size fits all thing. [54:54] You need to inform yourself and you need to get strategies when behavioral issues are more than just behavior.

[55:05] When there is something that is not clicking with your discipline and their thought process, [55:10] remember the responsibility is on you to talk to someone. [55:18] Talk to someone that is a Christian counselor. [55:21] Talk to someone that is some type of behavioral therapist that knows what is actually going on in your child’s brain. [55:27] That will help you form strategies as to how to get through to your children.

[55:34] Does parenting come naturally or do we need to learn how to parent? [55:38] It didn’t come naturally for me. It still hasn’t. [55:42] What J.D. Greer said there resonates with me because I was the best parent in the world until I had kids.

[55:51] I knew what other people should do. I would be in a restaurant and if they would let me take over, that kid wouldn’t be saying a peep. [55:58] Now I am in a restaurant hiding. Nate has been out to eat with me. He knows what happens.

[56:06] The reality is you need to be in discipleship. You need to go to God’s word. You need to grow. [56:15] Outside of those primary sources, you should get the secondary sources as well. [56:20] You need to know what the latest studies are saying. You need to know what good pastors have to say about child rearing. [56:26] I would say inform yourself, educate yourself because none of us know what we are doing. [56:31] What is the role of aunts, uncles, and grandparents in parenting and raising children? [56:39] Supplementary, but not primary. That’s what I would say.

[56:45] Mom and dad, you are the first line of defense. Whoever is the primary guardian of that child is the first area of defense, first area of offense, first area of everything.

[56:59] People that have been there, get good advice. If they are crazy and you know it, don’t ask them for advice.

[57:10] Let’s be honest. With grandparents, guess what? They raised you. [57:17] Then look in the mirror and say, how did this go? Maybe they can help me. [57:24] Alright. Then aunts and uncles, same exact thing. [57:29] To me, it’s foolish to have a hammer in your tool belt. You need to get a nail in the wall and you try to hit it with your hand. [57:40] That doesn’t make any sense. Use all of the tools that are available for you to use. [57:45] If you have advisors around you, which I pray you all do, then ask.

[57:54] What advice would you give parents who feel overwhelmed and without enough time for their kids?

[58:01] Number one, that’s a normal feeling. All of us feel that way at some point. [58:08] But when you feel that way, what do you do with that feeling? [58:13] That’s where I want to lead you. [58:16] When I feel that way, I really do just look back and say, what’s been going on? [58:21] What have I been doing that has led me right here to how I feel right now? [58:26] How have I been using my time? Where have I been investing? Where have I been committing myself?

[58:32] Then I have another answer of, are my feelings legitimate or are they illegitimate? [58:38] If they are legitimate, then I need to reorganize my life. [58:43] I need to start looking at where I’m committing myself. [58:46] Here’s the key. Your children are more important than a host of other things.

[58:54] They need to get first dibs. They don’t need to get the last 10% of your day. [59:00] No. They need to get first energy. [59:03] But so long, in our culture, in recent history, here’s what we’ve done. [59:09] We’ve exhausted ourselves and then our kids get the scraps. [59:14] That’s not biblical. It’s not godly. [59:18] It’s going to lead to trouble down the road.

[59:22] If not right now, in five years you’re going to have some trouble. [59:25] That’s the key. You’re always parenting for the future.

[59:31] So reorganize your life. [59:33] I’m going to end on a couple questions about discipleship. [59:37] Are we promised that our children will follow Jesus if we disciple them? [59:41] No.

[59:46] The only hope for real change is God.

[59:55] That’s why prayer is so important in parenting. [59:59] You need God to break through in their lives from birth to change them. [60:04] I pray right now for my children that God will give them the gift of faith. [60:08] That’s where it’s going to come from. [60:10] You need to trust God with that. [60:14] Realize that you’re setting an environment in which you’re obeying God.

[60:18] Through your obedience you’re believing that God will work through that. [60:22] He will.

[60:25] But there’s no guarantee that they’ll have faith right now. [60:31] Nor is it necessarily a guarantee for the future.

[60:36] But you should still do it so that they will. [60:39] What the scripture gives us is really just the promise of God’s work through your obedience. [60:45] I trust that he will.

[60:49] It’s a helpless feeling when you have very small children and you come face to face with the reality that I can’t save them. [60:57] Because I can’t. [60:59] But I’ll tell you, I’m going to obey God in every way that I can. [61:03] I’m going to repent as hard as I can because God can, and I believe will, use that to give the gospel into their lives. [61:11] That’s what I’m doing with my life. [61:13] But at some point my son and daughter are going to have to personally choose to follow Jesus.

[61:21] I can’t do that for them. [61:23] I can’t. [61:24] But what I can do is invest, invest, invest, invest, invest. [61:30] So that they can choose Jesus.

[61:33] When it comes to discipleship, are there any other practical things that parents should be thinking about engaging their kids with? [61:41] Yeah, I mean, I’ve said this before in the past few weeks. [61:44] You need to engage your children with scripture. [61:46] That means you need to engage you with scripture. [61:49] You know, there should be time marked out every day where you’re opening the Bible with your child, with your children. [61:57] And there should be time when they see you in the Word.

[62:01] Your commitment needs to be to their discipleship. [62:04] You know, as we close, the reason I said that is because we tend to commit them to tons of other things and then hope discipleship happens. [62:12] Don’t don’t give discipleship the scraps. [62:14] Give discipleship the primary. [62:16] In other words, they need to not only be in the Word with you, but they also need to see the Word working through you. [62:23] So they need to see parents and guardians who are investing their lives in the mission of Jesus and in the local church.

[62:30] And then they need to see that they have a place in the local church as well. [62:35] And so that means that that their discipleship needs to get more than than any of the other stuff the world will throw at us. [62:40] Now, there’s tons of good things that we can do with our children, but I don’t just want the good things. [62:45] I want the greatest of things, and that is discipleship. [62:47] And so I’m going to do the good things until the good things stand in the way of the great things. [62:52] And then I’m going to say good things are going to have to wait.

[62:56] Great things take precedent. [62:59] Go ahead and pray for us. [63:01] Father, we’re so thankful and grateful that you’ve not just left us here on our own to depend on ourselves, [63:11] but rather you’ve given us the gift of your presence. [63:14] You’ve given us the gift of your word, and you’ve given us the gift of your son, Jesus Christ. [63:20] May you strengthen our faith.

[63:22] May you build our lives. [63:25] And for the moms and dads and the future moms and dads in here, [63:29] may you give us the wisdom that is needed to raise the next generation. [63:35] In the name of Jesus Christ, I pray. Amen.